Your daily dose of Whatever!
Jessica Simpson Got Married Saturday
JESSICA SIMPSON and her fiancé, former NFL player ERIC JOHNSON, got married Saturday at the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara, California on Saturday. Their 1-year-old son Ace was the ring bearer, and their 2-year-old daughter Maxwell was the flower girl. Celebrities in attendance included Jessica’s sister Ashlee, Jessica Alba, Topher Grace and Donald Faison.
The Fonz is all about being COOL . . . which is why HENRY WINKLER apparently needs to change his last name. It turns out that “Winkler” has made its way into the Urban Dictionary, as something that’s NOT too cool.
They define it as a guy taking out his MANHOOD and waving it around until a woman WINKS at him . . . to signal that she wants to hook up. (???)
When the paparazzi told Henry about this, he said, quote, “Not only do I not do that, I wouldn’t even think of that. I’m changing my name. From now on, I’m calling myself Henry Gold.” (Here’s video.)
Two “Glee” Star Were Hacked: Lea Michele is Not Pregnant and Chris Colfer is Not Leaving the Show
Two “Glee” stars were hacked a day apart last week. On Friday, LEA MICHELE Tweeted that she was pregnant . . . except she didn’t.
The day before that, someone hacked CHRIS COLFER’S account and Tweeted, quote, “Due to personal issues, I have been let go from the cast of GLEE. Explanations will come shortly.” That one turned out to be bogus, too.
The REAL Lea Tweeted, quote, “Guess Chris Colfer and I should have known better then to make our passwords the names of our cats:)” And Chris said, “I’m just glad I wasn’t killed by a fruit truck again.”
Sexy Pictures of Famous People
1. MILEY CYRUS got a crappy tattoo of her dead dog . . . and two of her friends got it, too. The guy is WAYNE COYNE from the FLAMING LIPS.
2. MEGAN FOX joined Instagram, and christened it with a makeup-free selfie. (And you’ll notice that for some reason, her handle is, “The Native Tiger”.)
3. CHRIS BROWN thought it would be cool to post a picture of his girlfriend’s ass in a thong. (We couldn’t find it on his Instagram or Twitter accounts, so he must have taken it down.)
4. ANNE HATHAWAY and her husband did that thing Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone do, where they put signs in front of their faces promoting charities when the paparazzi try to take their pictures.
6. The wind blew LIV TYLER’S dress aside just enough to give us a HINT of panty. And somehow, it feels like it was exactly the right amount.
Ashton Kutcher is Dressing Like an Indian Again
ASHTON KUTCHER and MILA KUNIS attended a wedding in Italy on Saturday. Ashton wore Indian garb . . . including a RED TURBAN. He was also apparently part of the evening’s entertainment, because he and another woman performed a Bollywood-style dance.
“Transformers” Topped the Fourth of July Weekend Box Office
It was a pretty slow weekend at the box office this Fourth of July weekend. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” took the top spot for the second week in a row with $36.4 million. It’s now made $175 million in the 10 days since it came out.
Of the new releases, the MELISSA MCCARTHY comedy “Tammy” did the best with $21.2 million in 2nd place. ERIC BANA’S horror movie “Deliver Us From Evil” was in third with $9.5 million . . . and “Earth to Echo” made $8.3 million at #6.
Here are this week’s Top 10 movies:
1. “Transformers: Age of Extinction”, $36.4 million. Up to $175 million in its 2nd week.
2. NEW: “Tammy”, $21.2 million. Up to $32.9 million since Wednesday.
3. NEW: “Deliver Us From Evil”, $9.5 million. Up to $15 million since Wednesday.
4. “22 Jump Street”, $9.4 million. Up to $159 million in its 4th week.
5. “How to Train Your Dragon 2″, $8.8 million. Up to $140 million in its 4th week.
6. NEW: “Earth to Echo”, $8.3 million. Up to $13.5 million since Wednesday.
7. “Maleficent”, $6.1 million. Up to $214 million in its 6th week.
8. “Jersey Boys”, $5.2 million. Up to $36.7 million in its 3rd week.
9. “Think Like a Man Too”, $4.9 million. Up to $57.2 million in its 3rd week.
10. “Edge of Tomorrow”, $3.6 million. Up to $90.9 million in its 5th week.
Joan Rivers Walked Out of an Interview with CNN After Being Repeatedly Questioned About Her “Mean” Humor
JOAN RIVERS walked out of an interview with CNN, after being repeatedly asked about her “mean” humor. Joan ranted, quote, “I’ve made people laugh for 50 years. I’ve been put on Earth to make people laugh . . . Stop it with, ‘And you do this, and you’re mean, and you’re that.'” Then, she stormed off.
Monday TV Reminders:
• The series premiere of “The 7D” . . . 10:00 A.M. on DisneyXD. Kelly Osbourne is the voice of the wicked witch in this silly adaptation of the Seven Dwarves.
She says, quote, “Maleficent is my all-time favorite character, and this show is making my dream come true . . . I’m a Disney villain!”
• The 2nd season finale of “Beauty and the Beast” . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on the CW.
Tonight’s Late Night Talk Shows:
• “Jimmy Fallon” – Kiefer Sutherland, Nicole Richie, and Crosby, Stills & Nash.
• “Seth Meyers” – Brian Williams, Chrissy Teigen, and Charli XCX.
• “Letterman” – Halle Berry, Steve Young, and the War on Drugs.
• “Jimmy Kimmel” – Gerard Butler, Meagan Good, and Matisyahu. (Repeat)
• “Carson Daly” – Rhys Darby, and Band of Skulls. (Repeat)
• “Conan” – Martin Short, Jessica Pare, and Kelis. (Repeat)
• “Craig Ferguson” – Kathy Griffin and Ingrid Michaelson.
• “Chelsea Lately” – Jenna Dewan-Tatum. (Repeat)
• “Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report” are pre-empted for the entire week.
Five Random Facts For Monday
1. The average fast food burger contains meat from around 55 different cows.
2. You know that State Farm commercial where the wife thinks her husband is having phone sex, but he’s actually talking with an insurance agent . . . ‘Jake from State Farm’? Jake from State Farm is a real State Farm insurance agent . . . named Jake.
3. The U.S. is the 25th biggest coffee drinking country in the world, at 9.25 pounds of coffee per person per year. Finland is number one, at 26.5 pounds per person.
4. Only TWO new malls have been built in the U.S. in the past eight years.
5. There’s a pro wrestling move called the chokeslam where the wrestler lifts his opponent up by his throat and slams him to the ground. It was invented during an amateur wrestling match . . . by Abraham Lincoln.
American Apparel Posted a Photo of the Challenger Explosion . . . Because They Thought it Showed Fireworks
American Apparel was posting photos of fireworks online for the Fourth of July, but one of them was actually the explosion of the Challenger SPACE SHUTTLE. They pulled it down after people called them on it, and blamed it on, quote, “one of our international social media employees who was born after the tragedy.”
Joey Chestnut Just Won His Eighth Straight Hot Dog Eating Contest . . . and Proposed to His Girlfriend Right Beforehand
JOEY CHESTNUT took down 61 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes to win the annual Fourth of July hot dog eating contest in New York for the eighth straight year. And before this year’s contest, he proposed to his girlfriend on stage. She said yes.
People Would Rather Give Themselves Electric Shocks Than Sit Around Without Their Phones
In a new study, scientists had people sit in a waiting room without their phones . . . but with a button where they could give themselves a mild electric shock. And we’ve gotten so desperate for any form of stimulation, that one in four women and two out of three men sat there shocking themselves.
A Couple Is Suing the Hotel From Their Wedding For Not Stopping a Guy Who Wagged His Junk at Them During the Ceremony
A couple got married at a Doubletree Inn in South Carolina last year, and their wedding was RUINED by a guy standing in one of the hotel windows overlooking their wedding SHAKING HIS GENITALIA at them. He was arrested, but now the couple is suing the hotel for negligence and emotional distress.
A Woman Accidentally Had $89,000 Deposited in Her Account . . . And Says She’s Only Being Forced to Pay It Back Because She’s Attractive?
A 23-year-old woman in England accidentally had $89,000 deposited into her bank account last year . . . and within 48 hours she’d spent $14,000 on designer clothes, shoes, and purses. But now a court’s making her pay it all back . . . and she says they’re only doing it because she’s so ATTRACTIVE.
Synyster Gates is 33. Lead guitarist for Avenged Sevenfold who wishes he could play half as well as his dad, Brian Haner, who shreds as part of his improv act.
Michelle Kwan is 34. Sexy Asiatic figure skater [slash] Olympic silver medalist.
Cree Summer is 45. Oddly sexy Freddie on “A Different World”. Cree Summer used to provide the voice of Penny on “Inspector Gadget”, Susie Carmichael on “The Rugrats” AND Foxxy Love on “Drawn Together”.
Jorja Fox is 46. Sexy Sara Sidle on “C.S.I.”
Jim Gaffigan is 48. Character actor and food obsessed comedian.
Vonda Shepard is 51. Sexy singer-songwriter featured on “Ally McBeal”.
Billy Campbell is 55. The leader of the CDC team sent to the arctic to control the outbreak on Syfy’s “Helix”. But long before that he WAS “The Rocketeer”.
Jessica Hahn is 55. Jim Bakker’s whore. Remember “Praise The Lord”? Remember her work in Sam Kinison’s “Wild Thing” video? Remember the ’80s?
JOEY SCARBURY! is 59. He sang the theme to “The Greatest American Hero”!
Shelley Duvall is 65. Jack Nicholson’s wife in the “The Shining”, AND oddly sexy Olive Oyl in “Popeye”.
RINGO STARR is 74. He’s a GOD in Japan.
Related Comedy: Ringo Starr turns 74 today. And he’s one year closer to his goal of outliving Paul McCartney, then shouting to the world, “Who’s your favorite Beatle now, a-holes???”
Doc Severinsen is 87. Bandleader on Johnny Carson’s “Tonight Show” for 25 years. (He retired when Johnny did. I wonder if he still tells himself it was his choice?)
Satchel Paige (1906 – 1982) Hall of Fame pitcher and wise man. He’s the one who said, “Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching” and “Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.”
Countdown to Upcoming Events
• 4 days to World Population Day
• 11 days to International Mandela Day
• 25 days to Guardians of the Galaxy
• 31 days to Chicago Boot Camp
• 53 days to Labor Day Weekend
• 928 days left of “Hope and Change”
225 years ago . . . In 1789, the FIRST PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION was held in the U.S.
212 years ago . . . In 1802, the FIRST COMIC BOOK was published, in Hudson, New York. It was called “The Wasp” . . . created by Robert Rusticoat.
64 years ago . . . In 1950, Jack Walsh, of Trenton, New Jersey, set a WORLD WEIGHTLIFTING RECORD of 4,235 POUNDS . . . the equivalent of lifting two medium-sized cars.
46 years ago . . . In 1968, three years after ERIC CLAPTON quit THE YARDBIRDS and eight months after JEFF BECK left the group, The Yardbirds broke up.
Guitarist JIMMY PAGE had to fulfill concert obligations so he formed a new group and called it THE NEW YARDBIRDS. Keith Moon said, “It’ll probably go over like a lead zeppelin.” So Page changed the name of his group to . . . LED ZEPPELIN! ROCK & ROLL FOREVER!
39 years ago . . . In 1975, KEITH RICHARDS was charged with possession of an offensive weapon and reckless driving in Arkansas. Hundreds of teenage girls stormed the jail where he was being held. He was cleared of the charges in August. ROCK & ROLL FOREVER!
34 years ago . . . In 1980, LED ZEPPELIN played their final show. (Okay, so I guess not ALL rock and roll is forever.)
33 years ago . . . In 1981, the first GIRL was appointed to the Supreme Court when PRESIDENT REAGAN nominated SANDRA DAY O’CONNOR. She retired on January 31st of 2006 after more than 24 years on the bench.
13 years ago . . . In 2001, DREW BARRYMORE inexplicably married TOM GREEN. They filed for divorce six months later and it became official in October of 2002.
Nine years ago . . . In 2005, terrorists executed the LONDON BOMBINGS. They set off four explosions in their transportation network . . . three on the London Underground and one on a bus. The bombings caused over 50 deaths and more than 700 injuries.