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Whatever 7.3

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Jewel and Her Husband Are Divorcing . . . Or Should I say, “Thoughtfully and Tenderly Undoing” Themselves”?

JEWEL and her husband TY MURRAY announced that they’re getting divorced.  But in very annoying, Gwyneth Paltrow-like fashion, Jewel described the split as, quote, “A THOUGHTFUL AND TENDER UNDOING OF OURSELVES.”  Feel free to vomit.

Robin Thicke Admits He Has No Idea What He’s Doing . . . And Says He Hasn’t Seen Paula Patton in Four Months 

On “Good Morning America” yesterday, ROBIN THICKE admitted he’s just, quote, “flying by the seat of my pants” when it comes to trying to get his wife PAULA PATTON back.  He added, quote, “I actually have no idea what I’m doing.”  Meanwhile, in a radio interview on Tuesday Robin admitted he hasn’t seen Paula in FOUR MONTHS.

Sexy Pictures of Famous People 

 

 

1.  If you still think DONALD TRUMP’S hair is fake, check out these pictures of it standing up to the wind.

 

 

 

2.  Ladies, you will have a MERMAN FETISH once you see this picture of SCOTT EASTWOOD with a flipper.

 

 

 

3.  Here’s IRELAND BALDWIN in a bikini.  Sorry guys, you’re not her type.

 

 

 

4.  At 51, HELEN HUNT shouldn’t look this good in a bikini.

5.  PENELOPE CRUZ has a two-piece body . . . why does she insist on wearing a one-piece?

 

 

 

6.  ZAC EFRON’S last dancing video was such a hit, he made another one.  This one’s got MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ in it, too.

 

7.  The World Cup is thrilling this year, but you know what it doesn’t have?  MARIA SHARAPOVA upskirts.  You have to go to Wimbledon for that action.

 

 

 

8.  What the hell is LADY GAGA wearing now?

 

 

 

9.  I’ll bet Republicans wouldn’t mind if PRESIDENT OBAMA signed an executive order barring RICHARD SIMMONS from ever, ever doing this again.

 

 

 

10.  DAVE COULIER got married . . . and yes, STAMOS and SAGET were there.

 

 

 

11.  If your top three fetishes are Asians, pregnant women and bikinis, allow me to introduce you to all three in one skeezy little package called TILA TEQUILA.

 

 

 

12.  I have no idea why LEANN RIMES was being chased by Christmas elves on the beach.  But since she was wearing a bikini, I don’t really care.

 

Lindsay Lohan Is Suing the Makers of “Grand Theft Auto” for Using Her Likeness

 

LINDSAY LOHAN filed a lawsuit against the makers of “Grand Theft Auto 5″ yesterday, claiming they used her likeness for a character named Lacey Jones . . . who DOES kind of look like her.  No word on how much she’s suing for.

Meanwhile, Lindsay celebrated her 28th birthday in New York yesterday.  There are photos of her walking around in ratty jean shorts, with a big cut and a couple bruises on her legs.  For some reason, her legs ALWAYS seem to have cuts and bruises on them.  (Check out the photos here.)

Katherine Heigl Feels Like She Was Betrayed . . . By Her Career?

KATHERINE HEIGL says she almost quit acting at one point . . . because she felt betrayed by her CAREER.  Quote, “The thing that was my best friend for a long time [my career] suddenly turned on me, and I didn’t expect it.  I was taken by surprise and angry at it for betraying me.”

“Things Tim Howard Could Save” is The Meme of the Moment 

There’s a great meme called Things Tim Howard Could Save.  It’s just people Photoshopping Tim Howard into pictures so he can “save” things.  In one of the best once he’s saving Taylor Swift from being interrupted by Kanye West.

Demi Lovato Unfollowed Selena Gomez on Twitter . . . Then She Posted a Meme About “Swimming Away” from Someone’s Bull[crap] 

 

 

It may have just BLOWN UP between DEMI LOVATO and SELENA GOMEZ.  Yesterday, Demi UNFOLLOWED Selena on Twitter.

 

 

Then she posted a meme consisting of three pictures, where she’s swimming.  In each one, she’s further away, and the caption read, “Swimming away from your bull[crap].  Bye [B-word].”

 

 

She’s since deleted that post, so we actually don’t know if this meme has anything to do with Selena.  Demi hasn’t made any specific comment about the unfollow either.

 

 

(But since nothing ever truly goes away on the internet, you can still see the picture at WeHeartIt.com.)

“Reading Rainbow” Was the Most Popular Kickstarter Campaign Ever 

 

 

LEVAR BURTON’S “Reading Rainbow” Kickstarter campaign set a RECORD, earning more than $5.4 million by the time it ended yesterday.  Levar’s original goal was $1 million.

 

 

“Family Guy” creator SETH MACFARLANE pledged to kick in $1 million once donations reached the $4 million mark.  So if you add in his money, they actually made $6.4 million.

“Earth to Echo”, an Eric Bana Horror Movie and a Melissa McCarthy Comedy

 

 

1.  Tammy  (R)  Trailer

 

 

Melissa McCarthy loses her car, her job, and her husband on the same day, so she decides to knock over a fast food joint . . . then convinces her grandmother to help her get out of town.

 

 

Susan Sarandon plays her grandmother, and the rest of the cast also includes Allison Janney, Kathy Bates, Dan Aykroyd, and Toni Collette.

 

 

 

2.  Deliver Us From Evil  (R)  Trailer

 

 

Eric Bana is a cop who stumbles across demonic possession, and then gets help from a priest when the demons go after his family.  Olivia Munn plays his wife and Joel McHale is his partner.

 

 

Edgar Ramirez, who you may remember as Ares in “Wrath of the Titans”, plays the priest.  It’s based on the book “Beware the Night”, which is the true story of a police sergeant named Ralph Sarchie who became an expert on demons and exorcisms.

 

 

 

3.  Earth to Echo  (PG)  Trailer

 

 

Four kids track some strange signals they receive on their cell phones to a cute little alien that’s been stranded on our planet.  One of them is played by Astro, who you may remember as the young rapper from the first season of “X Factor”.

Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams Secretly Hated Each Other While They Were Filming “The Notebook”

In a new interview, the director of “The Notebook” says RYAN GOSLING and RACHEL MCADAMS actually kind of HATED each other while they were filming.  Ryan even tried to get her kicked off the SET once.  Then they screamed at each other for a while, until they hashed things out.  The two went on to date for more than two years after filming ended.

Weekend TV Reminders

 

 

• Thursday:  “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” . . . Robert Klein is featured in the next episode, which is available online Thursday at Noon Eastern.  (Trailer)

 

 

• Friday:  “Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks” . . . from 8:00 to 10:00 P.M. on NBC.  Nick Cannon hosts, and the performers include Ariana Grande, Miranda Lambert, Hunter Hayes, and Lionel Richie Without the T.

 

 

• Friday:  “A Capitol Fourth” . . . from 8:00 to 9:30 P.M. on PBS.  Tom Bergeron hosts and the performers include Frankie Valli, Patti LaBelle, Jordin Sparks, Michael McDonald, Sara Evans, Kendall Schmidt, and the National Symphony Orchestra.

 

 

• Friday:  “The Philly 4th of July Jam” . . . from 8:00 to 11:00 P.M. on VH1.  The performers include The Roots, Nicki Minaj, Jennifer Hudson, and Aloe Blacc.

 

 

• Friday:  “World Cup Quarterfinals: France vs Germany” . . . Noon EST on ESPN2.

 

• Friday:  “Quarterfinals: Brazil vs Columbia” at 4:00 P.M. EST on ESPN.

 

• Saturday:  “Quarterfinals: Argentina vs Belgium” at Noon EST on ESPN2.

 

• Saturday:  “Quarterfinals: Netherlands vs Costa Rica” at 4:00 P.M. EST on ESPN.

 

 

• Sunday:  The second season premiere of “Witches of East End” . . . from 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on Lifetime.

 

 

• Sunday:  “Miley Cyrus: Bangerz Tour” . . . from 9:00 to 11:00 P.M. on NBC.

 

 

• Sunday:  A preview of the upcoming fifth season of “The Walking Dead” . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on AMC.  Aisha Tyler and the show’s executive producer, Scott M. Gimple, join “Talking Dead” host Chris Hardwick to preview the next season.

Tonight’s Late Night Talk Shows:

 

 

“The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon”James McAvoy, Amy Schumer, and the Tune-Yards.  (Repeat)

 

 

“Late Night with Seth Meyers”Mike Myers, Shep Gordon, Whitney Cummings, and Tove Lo.  (Repeat)

 

 

“Letterman”Jim Parsons, Julie Chen, and Hozier.  (Repeat)

 

 

“Jimmy Kimmel”Jessica Alba, Ben Falcone, and Sia.

 

 

“Carson Daly”Tamron Hall, Warm Soda, and Birth of Joy.  (Repeat)

 

 

“Conan”Aaron Paul, Maggie Q, and Ian Carmel.  (Repeat)

 

 

“Craig Ferguson”Jon Hamm and Pam Dawber.  (Repeat)

 

 

“Chelsea Lately”Susan Sarandon.

 

 

“Jon Stewart”Keira Knightley (Repeat)

 

 

“The Colbert Report”Ta-Nehisi Coates.  (Repeat)

Five Random Facts For Thursday

1.  The Mona Lisa is only 30 inches high and 21 inches across . . . smaller than the average poster you’d have on your wall.

2.  The World Cup teams where players were banned from having SEX during the tournament have all been eliminated:  Russia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Chile, and Mexico.

 

 

3.  There is only one Jewish person in the entire country of Afghanistan.  He owns a restaurant.

 

 

4.  Cotton candy was invented by a DENTIST in Tennessee in 1904.

 

 

5.  Big Ben isn’t the name of the clock or the clock tower in England . . . it’s just the name of one of the bells hanging in the tower.  The tower’s name is Elizabeth Tower.

 

 

(Cracked / The Guardian / Reuters / Wikipedia / About Britain)

The 50 U.S. States Ranked by Patriotism

A new study ranked all 50 states by PATRIOTISM . . . based on things like the number of veterans, voter turnout, and people Googling American flags to buy.  South Carolina came in first, Maine is second, and North Carolina is third.  California came in as the LEAST patriotic state.

The top 10 are:  South Carolina . . . Maine . . . North Carolina . . . Wyoming . . . Virginia . . . Florida . . . Georgia . . . Alaska . . . Alabama . . . and Arizona.

 

 

On the other end of things, California ranked LAST in patriotism . . . which probably just made at least half of you say “I told you so.”

 

 

The ten LEAST patriotic states are:  California . . . Minnesota . . . Rhode Island . . . Vermont . . . Hawaii . . . Michigan . . . New Jersey . . . Kansas . . . Connecticut . . . and Oregon.  (Movoto

 

 

(You can see the rankings for all 50 states here.)

Five Results From a New Global Sex Survey . . . Including America’s Many Virgins and Love Toys

Here are a few results from a new global sex survey.  The U.S. has the second-highest percentage of adult VIRGINS in the world, at 2% . . . only Japan has more.  And more than half of Americans have slept with one to eight people.

(Lelo)

A Man Unsatisfied With His 10-Inch Junk Gets It Surgically Enlarged

A British guy with 10-INCH junk wasn’t satisfied with his size . . . so he had it surgically enhanced to make it even THICKER.  Now he says it resembles a bottle of HAIRSPRAY.  And while some women have refused to have sex with him because it’s too big, most have loved it . . . quote, “it’s the best money I’ve ever spent.”

(Digital Spy / Jezebel)

The Two Things You Need to Be Happy in a Relationship Are Sleeping Naked and Clean Sheets

 

 

Are relationships REALLY this easy?  A new study found the only two things you need to be happy in your relationship are . . . SLEEPING NAKED and CLEAN SHEETS.

 

 

The study found that couples who sleep naked are happier than couples who sleep in clothes . . . and couples who sleep on clean sheets are happier than couples who don’t.  Really, that’s all it takes for everything to be great.  You’re welcome.  (FemaleFirst)

New Redneck Beach Invention:  Toilet Plunger Beer Koozies

 

 

If you’re heading to the beach this weekend, want to make sure your beer stays cold, don’t want to spend $2 on a beer koozie, AND don’t mind looking like an EXTREME REDNECK . . . we’ve got your solution.

 

 

A woman in Louisiana realized you can use a TOILET PLUNGER as a beer koozie.  Your beer should fit nicely in the mouth of your plunger, which keeps it cold, and you can plant the handle in the sand to keep it standing up.

 

 

We recommend cleaning your plunger first before you do this.  (Al.com

Two Women Find Out They Have the Same Boyfriend . . . So They Hang a Banner Over a Highway Announcing He’s Been Dumped

Two women in England recently found out a guy was secretly dating BOTH of them . . . so they teamed up to get revenge.  They made a banner with photos of all three of them telling him he was DUMPED, and hung it on a bridge over a highway yesterday morning so thousands of people would see it.

(Chronicle Live

Would You Gain Weight as a Cannibal?  Here Are the Calorie Counts in Human Body Parts

 

 

I doubt you’ve ever wondered about eating HUMAN FLESH . . . at least, I HOPE you’ve never wondered about it.  But a scientist in England says if you have . . . he’s figured out how many CALORIES you’d be taking in.

 

 

If you ate an entire person, it’d be about 81,500 calories.  Each arm is 1,800 calories . . . each leg is a massive 7,150 calories . . . your organs are around 1,500 calories each . . . and your heart is 722 calories.  Now you know?  (Popular Science)

McDonald’s Has the Worst Burgers in America, KFC Has the Worst Chicken, and Taco Bell Has the Worst Burritos

 

 

“Consumer Reports” just released their annual list of the best and worst fast food in the U.S.  And it’s a rough day for some of our most iconic spots.

 

 

McDonald’s was rated as the worst burgers in the U.S. . . . KFC was rated as the worst chicken . . . and Taco Bell was rated as the worst burritos.  Sbarro was rated the worst fast food joint overall.  (Consumer Reports / Consumerist)

TOM CRUISE is 52.

 

 

Olivia Munn is 34.  Sexy part-Asian actress.  She shows her funbags in “Magic Mike”, and she’s on HBO’s cable news drama “The Newsroom”.  She’s currently sharing herself with Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

 

 

Kevin Hart is 34.

 

 

Patrick Wilson is 41.  Raoul in the movie version of “Phantom of the Opera”, Nite Owl in “Watchmen”, and the dad in the “Insidious” movies.

 

 

Andrea Barber is 38.  Kimmy Gibler on “Full House”.

 

 

Filipino mattress actress Mimi Miyagi is 41.  She enjoys keister-sex and has starred in 101 fine films, including . . . “Hells Anals”, “Moo Goo Gai Poon”, “Wong Side of Town” AND “Amber the Lesbian Queefer”!

 

 

Julian Assange is 43.  Document leaking Aussie editor of Wikileaks.

 

 

Shawnee Smith is 44.  The jigsaw killer’s girlfriend, Amanda, in the “Saw” movies . . . AND the heroine in the very awesome ’80s remake of “The Blob”!  She’s also in Charlie Sheen’s show “Anger Management”.

 

 

Connie Nielsen is 49.  Cult leader Lily Gray on “The Following”.  And Russell Crowe’s wife in “Gladiator”.

 

 

Yeardley Smith is 50.  Her name is pronounced “YARD-ly”.  She’s the well-paid voice of Lisa Simpson on “The Simpsons”.

 

 

Thomas Gibson is 52.  He’s the uptight boss on “Criminal Minds” . . . but to me he’ll always be Dharma’s uptight husband on the sitcom “Dharma & Greg”.

Vince Clarke is 54.  Dazzling keyboardist from Depeche Mode, Erasure AND Yaz.

 

 

Aaron Tippin is 56.  Turn on a country station over the 4th of July holiday and you WILL hear his song “Where the Stars and the Stripes and the Eagle Fly”.

 

 

Montel Williams is 58.  Multiple Sclerosis-suffering talk show stud.  The reefer helps make the shakes go away.

 

 

Jan Smithers is 65.  She was oddly sexy Bailey Quarters on “WKRP In Cincinnati”.  She was also married to James Brolin for nine years.  They divorced in 1995.  Brolin married the much wealthier Barbra Streisand three years later.

 

 

Betty Buckley is 67.  The gym teacher Ms. Collins in “Carrie”.  Years later she played Abby on “Eight Is Enough”, and was also in that M. Night Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong movie, “The Happening”.

 

 

Humor columnist Dave Barry is 67.

 

 

Kurtwood Smith is 71.  Red on “That ’70s Show”.  And the very bad-ass Clarence J. Boddicker in 1987′s “Robocop”.  Now he’s on ABC’s “Resurrection”.

 

 

LAURA BRANIGAN  (1957 – 2004)  Singer of 1982′s mega-hit “Gloria”!  She died from a brain aneurysm that she didn’t know she had.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is 32.

 

 

Becki Newton is 36.  Sexy Amanda on “Ugly Betty”.

 

 

John Lloyd Young is 39.  He’s the guy who plays Frankie Valli in “Jersey Boys”.

 

 

Julia Parton is 50.  Dolly Parton’s mattress actress cousin!  She’s starred in 92 well-chested films, including . . . “Double D Roommates”, “Trick Tracy”, “Tied And Tickled 14:  Count Tickula” AND “Taylor St. Claire, A.K.A. Filthy Whore”!

 

 

David Joyner is 51.  The man in the suit of BARNEY THE DINOSAUR.  Superstar David Joyner is to Barney the Dinosaur what Superstar David Prowse is to Darth Vader.

 

 

Kirk Pengilly is 56.  INXS co-founder.  He is the saxophonist, guitarist and principle backing vocalist.

 

 

John Waite is 62.  Biggest hit:  1984′s “Missing You”.  He’s now resting comfortably under the Rock of Obscurity with The Babys and Bad English.

 

 

Geraldo Rivera is 71.  Real name:  Jerry Rivers.  Not so en fuego.  But, Jerry has had affairs with Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, tennis minx Chris Evert and over ONE THOUSAND OTHER LADIES.  MUY EN FUEGO!

 

 

Karolyn Grimes is 74.  She played Zuzu, the little girl in “It’s a Wonderful Life” who said, “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”.

Bill Withers is 76“Lean On Me”, “Ain’t No Sunshine” and the SEXY jam, “Use Me”.

 

 

Gina Lollobrigida is 87.  Mature Italian Minx, formerly a 1950s sex symbol.  I’d STILL enjoy getting all up in her gushy parts.

 

 

Neil Simon is 87.  Genius playwright who did “The Odd Couple” and MANY others.  Matthew Perry from “Friends” is playing Oscar in the upcoming “Odd Couple” remake.

 

 

 

Eva Marie Saint is 90.  1960s minx.  She won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for playing Brando’s love interest in “On The Waterfront”.  Alfred Hitchcock also used her in a couple of his movies, including “North By Northwest”.

 

 

Her last movie role to date was as Superman’s mom, Martha Kent, in “Superman Returns” back in 2006.

 

 

Abigail Van Buren  (1918 – 2013)  Dear Abby, and twin of Ann Landers.

 

Ann Landers  (1918 – 2002)  Advice columnist who coined the phrase “wake up and smell the coffee”.

 

 

George Steinbrenner  (1930 – 2010)  Idiot owner of the New York Yankees.

Paul “Pauly D” DelVecchio is 34.

 

 

Eva Green is 34.  The sexy Bond girl from “Casino Royale” . . . the witch who turns Johnny Depp into a vampire in “Dark Shadows” . . . and Artemisia in “300:  Rise of an Empire”.

 

 

Jason Wade is 34.  Singer and songwriter for Lifehouse.

 

 

Liberty Phoenix is 38.  The only member of the Phoenix family that’s not a vegetarian or supportive of animal rights.  Being born that close to the 4th of July will do that to you.

 

 

Joe is 41.  Sexy R&B superstar.

 

 

RZA is 45.  Wu-Tang Clansman.  A.k.a. Bobby Digital, a.k.a. Chief Abbott, a.k.a. THE RZARECTA!  Real name:  Robert Diggs.

 

 

Michael Stuhlbarg is 46.  The New York City gangster Arnold Rothstein on “Boardwalk Empire”.

 

 

Edie Falco is 51.  SEXY Carmela Soprano on “The Sopranos” and the title character on the Showtime series, “Nurse Jackie”.

 

 

Marc Cohn is 55.  Won the Grammy for Best New Artist in 1991, thanks to his single “Walking in Memphis”.

 

 

Then, he disappeared from our lives for YEARS . . . until August of 2005, when he was SHOT IN THE HEAD during an attempted carjacking.  He survived.

HUEY “HUNG” LEWIS! is 64.  Famous groupie Connie Hamzy wrote in her book, “Rock Groupie”, that HUEY LEWIS HAS THE LARGEST “PACKAGE” SHE HAS EVER SEEN!  Sounds like she was Happy to be stuck BY him.

Robbie Robertson is 71.  Guitarist in The Band.  He’s the HALF-MOHAWK INDIAN, HALF-JEW who penned the brilliant line, “I pulled into Nazareth, was feelin’ ’bout half-past dead.”

 

 

Katherine Helmond is 86.  Insatiable and super-sexy older minx Mona on “Who’s The Boss?”  Still kickin’.  She’s the voice of Lizzie in “Cars” and “Cars 2″.

P.T. Barnum  (1810 – 1891)  Barnum & Bailey Circus.  He’s the guy who said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

 

 

BILLY “FROGGY” LAUGHLIN!  (1932 – 1948)  Froggy in “The Little Rascals”!  He died in a motor scooter accident at the tender, hairless age of just 16.

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