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Whatever 7.23

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The Royal Baby Is Here . . . And It’s a Boy 

KATE MIDDLETON gave birth to the royal baby yesterday.  It’s a boy.  This is the first child for Kate and PRINCE WILLIAM.  There’s no word on his name yet.  He was 8 pounds, 6 ounces and he’s now THIRD in line for the British throne . . . bumping PRINCE HARRY to fourth.

79-Year-Old Shirley Jones Still Shakes Her Jugs For Her Husban

79-year-old “Partridge Family” minx SHIRLEY JONES and her husband MARTY INGELS still love to GET IT ON.  In her new autobiography, Shirley writes, quote, “Luckily, Marty thinks I’ve still got a beautiful body, even though it is old, and every now and again I take all of my clothes off in front of him and shake my [breasts] at him, and he loves it.”

Dennis Farina Has Died 

DENNIS FARINA died yesterday from a blood clot in his lung.  He was 69.  His credits include the TV shows “Law & Order” and “Crime Story”, and movies like “Get Shorty”, “Midnight Run” and “Snatch”.

Nicolas Cage Knows You Make Fun Of Him . . . And He’s In on the Joke

NICOLAS CAGE knows the Internet likes to make fun of him.  And he accepts it.  He says, quote, “I’m now of the mindset that, when in Rome, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”  He also says he’s not obsessed with comic books and he can do more than just play, quote, “exaggerated characters.”

Lady Gaga is the Highest-Earning Celebrity Under 30 

Forbes.com has released a list of the Highest-Earning Celebrities Under 30.  Despite being sidelined for several months due to hip surgery, LADY GAGA took the top spot, earning $80 MILLION over the past year.  JUSTIN BIEBER came in second with $58 million . . . and TAYLOR SWIFT came in third with $55 million.

1.  Lady Gaga,  $80 million

 

2.  Justin Bieber,  $58 million

 

3.  Taylor Swift, $55 million

4.   DJ (slash) producer Calvin Harris,  $46 million

 

 

5.  Rihanna,  $43 million

 

 

6.  Katy Perry,  $39 million

 

 

7.  Jennifer Lawrence,  $26 million

 

 

8.  Adele,  $25 million

 

 

9.  (tie)  Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner,  $22 million

Brewers Outfielder Ryan Braun Has Been Suspended for the Rest of the Season for Juicing 

Milwaukee Brewers outfielder RYAN BRAUN has been suspended for the rest of the season without pay for allegedly juicing.  And he issued a statement apologizing, and saying, quote, “I am willing to accept the consequences of those actions.”  The suspension starts immediately, and covers 65 games.

Tuesday TV Reminders:

“Whose Line Is It Anyway?” . . . 8:00 to 8:30 P.M. on the CW.  This week’s celebrity guest is Candice Accola, the hot blonde from “The Vampire Diaries”.

“So You Think You Can Dance”. . . 8:00 to 10:00 P.M. on Fox.  Carly Rae Jepsen guest judges as the top 16 dancers perform with two being eliminated.

“America’s Got Talent” [Performance Show] . . . 9:00 to 11:00 P.M. on NBC.

“Who Do You Think You Are?” [4th Season Premiere] . . . 9:00 to 9:30 P.M. on TLC.  Kelly Clarkson discovers information about an ancestor’s bravery in combat.  The first three seasons aired on NBC, but TLC is picking up the series where they left off.

“The Vineyard” [Series Premiere] . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on ABC Family.  A reality show about people working on Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts for the summer.

“Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on HBO.  World champion surfer Kelly Slater is profiled, plus an update on the scandal of former tennis star Bob Hewitt.

“Ink Master” . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on Spike TV.  Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson is the guest judge.

“Watch What Happens:  Live” . . . 11:00 to 11:30 P.M. on Bravo.  The Jonas Brothers are guests.

“Web Therapy” [3rd Season Premiere] . . . 11:00 to 11:30 P.M. on Showtime.  Steve Carell guest stars as Fiona’s vacation fling.

“The Today Show”Mel B. ( “America’s Got Talent”), author Larry Kane (“When They Were Boys: The True Story of the Beatles’ Rise to the Top”) and NBC anchor Jane Pauley.  Music Guest:  Marc Anthony.

Early Morning TV:

“Good Morning America”No guests listed yet.  Check your local listings.

“CBS This Morning”Louis C.K. (“Blue Jasmine”) and Chipotle CEO Steve Ells

 

Mid-Morning Show Guests:

“Live! With Kelly and Michael”Heidi Klum (“Project Runway” and “America’s Got Talent”) and the Broadway cast of “Motown: The Musical”.

“The View”Cate Blanchett (“Blue Jasmine”), Johnny Carson’s nephew and producer Jeff Sotzing.  Music Guest:  J. Cole.  “Windy City Live’s” Val Warner co-hosts.

“Rachael Ray”Vanessa Williams (Broadway’s “The Trip to Bountiful”).  (REPEAT)

“Kris”“The Bachelorette / Bachelor’s” Chris Harrison co-hosts.

This Afternoon On TV:

“The Real” – Tamar’s husband and founder of Streamline Records Vince Herbert.  Music Guest:  TGT:  Tyrese, Ginuwine and Tank.

“Ellen DeGeneres”Michael J. Fox (“The Good Wife”) and L.A. Reid from “X Factor”.  Music Guest:  Psy.  (REPEAT)

“The Talk”Rob Lowe (“Parks and Recreation”).

“Katie Couric”Alison Sweeney (“Days of Our Lives”) and the cast of TV Land’s “Hot in Cleveland”.  Music Guest:  Ashanti.

“Steve Harvey”Ellen DeGeneres.

“Dr. Phil” – “Obsessed With Love”.  A teenage girl who is unable to stop obsessing over her ex-boyfriend.  (REPEAT)

“Dr. Oz Show” – “The Disease Doctors Miss Most: Fibromyalgia”.

“Wendy Williams”Piper Perabo (“Covert Affairs”) and “Yahoo’s OMG’s” Nina Parker.  Music Guest:  K. Michelle.

Tonight’s Late Night Talk Shows:

“Letterman”Hugh Jackman (“The Wolverine”) and Lisa Kudrow (“Web Therapy”).  Music Guest:  Jason Isbell.

“Jimmy Kimmel”Channing Tatum (“White House Down”) and director Paul Feig (“The Heat”).  Music Guest:  Pharrell.  (REPEAT)

“The Tonight Show”Aaron Paul (“Breaking Bad”).  Music Guest:  Selena Gomez.

“Craig Ferguson”Anna Camp (“True Blood”) and Larry King.

“Jimmy Fallon”Shailene Woodley (“The Secret Life of the American Teenager”), Louis C.K. (“Blue Jasmine”), and Neal Preston (“Led Zeppelin: Sound and Fury”).  Music Guest:  Emeli Sandé.

“Carson Daly”Producer Jenni Konner (HBO’s “Girls”) and Twenty One Pilots.  Music Guest:  Tift Merritt.  (REPEAT)

“Conan”Aubrey Plaza (“The To Do List”) and Kumail Nanjiani (promoting his comedy special “Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male”).  Music Guest:  The 1975.

“Jon Stewart”Author Richard Haass (“Foreign Policy Begins at Home: The Case for Putting America’s House in Order”).

“The Colbert Report”Author Kenneth Goldsmith (“Seven American Deaths and Disasters”).

“Chelsea Lately”Kris Jenner pimps her talk-show “Kris”.

“Piers Morgan Tonight”Director Morgan Spurlock guest hosts.

There’s a Zombie Version of “The Breakfast Club Hitting DVD Today

Love and Honor . . . starring Liam Hemsworth as a soldier on leave from the Vietnam War who pretends he’s gone AWOL to try to win over an anti-war activist, who’s played by Teresa Palmer.  (Trailer)

 

Trance is a psychological thriller starring James McAvoy as an auctioneer who claims to have amnesia after a masterpiece is stolen.  And Rosario Dawson is a hypnotherapist trying to figure out where he stashed the painting.  (Trailer)

 

Welcome to the Punch . . . an action thriller starring James McAvoy as a cop with a vendetta against Mark Strong . . . a criminal who’s only comes out of hiding after his son is shot during a heist.  (Trailer)

 

Kiss of the Damned . . . starring Milo Ventimiglia as a guy involved in a romance with a beautiful vampire who has to chain herself up to keep from eating him.  (Trailer)

 

Twixt . . . starring Val Kilmer as a writer researching a girl’s murder while being haunted by visions of a ghost played by Elle Fanning.  (Trailer)

 

Detention of the Dead is a zombie comedy that’s a mix of “The Breakfast Club” and “Zombieland” . . . with the five kids in detention fighting off all their zombie classmates.  The jock is the guy who played Karofsky on “Glee”, and the cheerleader is played by one of the hot chicks from ABC’s “Revenge”.  (Trailer)

 

 

 

A Game Based on the “Smurfs” Sequel Is Out This Week

 

The Smurfs 2 is a four-player game on Xbox360, PS3, Wii, Wii U, and Nintendo DS.  The movie comes out July 31st, and the game follows its plot . . . with the Smurfs on a mission to rescue Smurfette from the Naughties and the evil wizard Gargamel.  It’s rated (E) for Everyone.  (Trailer)

Today’s New Music Includes CDs from Selena Gomez, Relient K and The Smurfs

 

 

“Stars Dance”, the fourth album from Selena Gomez, who just turned 21 yesterday.

 

 

“The Smurfs 2: Music From and Inspired By” . . . It includes Britney Spears, Owl City, and Nelly Furtado.  Plus: Right Said Fred doing “I’m Too Smurfy”.

 

 

“The Winery Dogs”, the self-titled debut from a rock supergroup featuring former Poison guitarist Richie Kotzen, Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy, and bassist Billy Sheehan.  Check them out at TheWineryDogs.com.

 

 

“Dark Eyes”, the debut album from the indie rock band Half Moon Run.  You can check out their sound in the video for their lead single Full Circle.  (Official Site)

 

 

“Collapsible Lung”, the seventh album from the band Relient K

 

 

“Pura Vida Conspiracy”, the sixth album from the rock band Gogol Bordello

 

 

“Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeros”, this self-titled disc from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros is their third album.  The entire album is streaming at NPR.

 

 

“Reignfall”, a seven song EP from rapper Chamillionaire . . . His guests include Scarface and Killer Mike on the title track.

 

 

“3.0″, a new Spanish-language album from Marc Anthony

 

 

“My Favorite Picture of You”, Guy Clark.  The title track was written for his wife, Susanna, who passed away last year.  That’s her in the Polaroid that Guy’s holding on the album cover.  This is his first full-length album in four years.

 

 

“Dos Divas”, Pam Tillis and Lorrie Morgan.  They’ve been touring together since 2009, but this is their first album collaboration.  It features remakes of their solo hits, plus six duets . . . and some original material they’ve written together.

Stupid News…

The Average Person Wastes an Hour of Work Each Day on These Nine Things

According to a new study, the average person spends an hour of work each day on personal stuff, and does nine non-work-related things every day, including Facebook, paying bills, shopping for clothes, and checking the weather

1.  Checking personal emails

 

2.  Reading news sites

 

3.  Checking the weather

 

4.  Logging on to social networks like Facebook and Twitter.

 

5.  Online banking

 

6.  Paying bills

 

7.  Planning vacations

 

8.  Shopping for clothes online

 

9.  Calling friends

(Daily Mail)

92% of Women Get Turned On When a Guy Cries at a Wedding

Let the tears FLOW, man.  According to a new survey, 92% of women get TURNED ON when they see a man cry at a wedding.  They also found that 50% of single women sometimes sit at a wedding picturing themselves getting married . . . versus just 2% of single men.

(FemaleFirst)

A New Website Tells You How Many Times You’ll See Your Parents Before They Die

There’s a new website that’s a mix of really sad and really eye-opening.  It’s called SeeYourFolks.com . . . and it calculates how many times you’ll see your parents again BEFORE THEY DIE.  All you do is put in the number of times per year you see them now, and their ages.

(Slate) 

 

A Worker at Subway Posted a Photo of His Junk on Unbaked Bread . . . and Was Promptly Fired

Two guys who work at a Subway in Ohio have been fired, after being the latest idiots to post photos of themselves doing NASTY things at work.  One posted a water bottle full of FROZEN PEE that he said he’d frozen at work . . . and the other took a photo of his JUNK on top of some unbaked Subway bread.

(Consumerist / Gawker) 

A McDonald’s Drive Thru Won’t Serve a Woman on a Horse . . . So She Lets It Poop Inside

On Saturday, in England, a woman and her daughter tried to ride their HORSES through a McDonald’s drive thru.  When the staff told them they had to be in a car and wouldn’t serve them, the woman took her horse INSIDE . . . and let it POOP ON THE FLOOR.  She got a ticket with a fine for, quote, “causing alarm and distress.”

(The Guardian / Daily Mail)

The Cincinnati Zoo Wants Two Endangered Rhino Siblings to Commit Incest . . . to Save the Species

Sumatran rhinos are one of the most critically endangered species in the world, with fewer than 100 left.  And the Cincinnati Zoo has two . . . a male and a female . . . and wants to mate them.  The only problem is . . . they’re BROTHER AND SISTER.  But the zoo believes the risk of potential genetic problems from incest is worth it to save the species.

(NBC News)

The British Government Will Make People Officially Announce Whether They Want to View Internet Porn . . . Could We Be Next?

Could this happen to US?  In England, the government is about to do a SERIOUS porno crackdown.  People will be required to tell their Internet provider if they want porn or not.  If you say “no,” they’ll block all your access.  Of course, there are HUGE privacy implications that go with officially announcing to an Internet company whether or not you want to watch porno.

(The Guardian / Jezebel)

A Naked Woman Gets Her Head Stuck in a Railing During Outdoor Sex . . . and Her Boyfriend Bails Before the Cops Come

Last week in Russia, a couple was having drunken OUTDOOR SEX on a staircase.  But the 46-year-old woman got her head STUCK between two bars on the handrail while she was totally naked . . . and her boyfriend BAILED before rescue workers got there to help free her.

(Digital Spy / Gawker / ProNews48)

Celebrities who all happen to have the same birthday…and that happens to be today….

Daniel Radcliffe – 24  (He was plucked out of thousands of potential actors to star as THE Harry Potter.  He played the role in all eight films . . . and has also been NAKED in a Broadway show and already lost and won a battle with alcohol.)

 

Paul Wesley – 31  (Stefan Salvatore on “The Vampire Diaries”.  He’s one of the brooding vampire brothers that Nina Dobrev is in love with.)

 

Steve Jocz – 32  (Sum 41 drummer.)

 

 

Michelle Williams – 33  (The chick from Destiny’s Child . . . NOT Heath Ledger’s baby-mama.)

 

 

Monica Lewinsky – 40  (If you’re wondering what she’s been up to, here’s a rundown, along with a recent picture.)

 

 

Nomar Garciaparra – 40  (The only player in MLB history with the last name “Garciaparra” . . . and the only one that gives the business nightly to soccer minx Mia Hamm.)

 

 

Marlon Wayans – 41

 

 

Alison Krauss – 42  (Bluegrass babe who was all over that “O Brother Where Art Thou?” soundtrack.  She also did that “Raising Sand” album with Robert Plant.) 

 

 

Charisma Carpenter – 43  (Sexy Cordelia Chase . . . first on “Buffy”, then on “Angel”.  Now she’s on ABC Family’s “The Lying Game”.)

 

Stephanie Seymour – 45  (“Victoria’s Secret” model who used to let Axl Rose’s average-sized manhood but HUGE nards up in her fun-stuff.  She and Axl split up . . . because he’s INSANE.)

 

Gary Payton – 45  (“THE GLOVE”.  That’s his nickname because of his mad defensive skills.  In 2006, he helped the Miami Heat win their first-ever championship.  He’s retired now.)

 

 

Philip Seymour Hoffman – 46  (Brilliant chubby actor.  Usually plays pompous asses like Brandt in “The Big Lebowski”, George in “Scent of a Woman”, Robin Williams’ roommate in “Patch Adams” or Freddie Miles in “The Talented Mr. Ripley”.)

 

(He won a Best Actor Oscar for “Capote”.  He was also in “Magnolia”, “Boogie Nights”, “Twister” and “Almost Famous” where he WAS Lester Bangs.)

 

SLASH – 48  (Real Name:  Saul Hudson.  He rocks the Jew-fro!)

 

 

Eriq La Salle – 51  (Former Angry Dr. Peter Benton on “ER”.)  (Before you even knew who Eriq La Salle was, you saw him play Darryl Jenks, heir to the SOUL GLOW fortune, in the classic 1988 Eddie Murphy comedy, “Coming To America”.)

 

 

Woody Harrelson – 52  (Hemp hero.)

 

 

Martin Gore – 52  (Depeche Mode genius.)

Edie McClurg – 62  (Herb’s chubby wife on “WKRP”, chubby Mrs. Poole on “The Hogan Family” AND Mr. Rooney’s chubby secretary in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.)

 

 

Larry Manetti – 66  (Tom Selleck’s white buddy Rick on “Magnum P.I.”.) 

 

 

David Essex – 66  (Biggest hit:  “Rock On”.  Second biggest hit:  Rock BOTTOM.  APB on David Essex.  Somebody look under Michael Damian.)

 

 

Don Imus – 73  (Friend of the Rutgers women’s basketball team.)

 

 

Ronny Cox – 75  (Captain Andrew Bogomil in the “Beverly Hills Cop” movies . . . and Drew in the most romantic film of all time, “Deliverance”.)

 

 

Calvert DeForest – (1921 – 2007)  (Better known as Larry “Bud” Melman on “Letterman”.)

 

 

Bert Convy – (1933 – 1991)  (“Cannonball Run” SUPERSTAR, who also later hosted the GREAT game show “Win, Lose Or Draw”.)

Countdown to Upcoming Events

• 3 days until “The Wolverine”

• 7 days to a Backstreet Boys disc

• 38 days until Labor Day Weekend

• 58 days to Talk Like a Pirate Day

• 1,277 days left of “Hope and Change”

Back in the day….

109 years ago . . . in 1904 - THE ICE CREAM CONE WAS INVENTED by Charles E. Minches at the World’s Fair in St. Louis.

 

44 years ago . . . in 1969 – JAMES BROWN walked out of L.A. Mayor Sam Yorty’s office because the mayor was late for their meeting . . . which was held to declare James Brown Day in the city.

 

When you’re the Hardest Working Man in Show Business, tardiness will not be tolerated.

 

36 years ago . . . in 1977 – FOREIGNER’S “Cold As Ice” was released.

 

36 years ago . . . in 1977 – ALABAMA debuted on the charts with “I Wanna Be With You Tonight”.

 

34 years ago . . . in 1979 – The AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI BANNED ROCK ‘N ROLL MUSIC in Iran.

 

29 years ago . . . in 1984 – VANESSA WILLIAMS became the first Miss America to give up the title . . . after it was discovered that she had posed for naughty lesbian nude photos for “Penthouse” magazine.

27 years ago . . . in 1986 – PRINCE ANDREWmarried SARAH FERGUSON in Westminster Abbey.  They divorced in 1996.  Fergie has fire-down-below ya know.

 

24 years ago . . . in 1989 – RINGO STARRkicked off his first All-Starr Band tour.  His backup band at the concert in Dallas included Joe Walsh, Billy Preston, Dr. John, and Rick Danko.

 

20 years ago . . . in 1993 – MICHAEL JORDAN’S father, James, was murdered on U.S. Highway 74 near Bennettsville, South Carolina, when he stopped to take a nap in his Lexus.

 

20 years ago . . . in 1993 – “Poetic Justice” was released . . . starring JANET JACKSON and TUPAC.

 

17 years ago . . . in 1996 - At the Atlanta Olympics, tiny KERRI STRUG heroically made her final vault despite TORN LIGAMENTS in her little left ankle . . . clinching the gold for the U.S. women gymnasts and earning them their first-ever Olympic team gold medal.

 

13 years ago . . . in 2000 - At age 24, TIGER WOODS became the youngest player to win the career Grand Slam with a record-breaking performance in the British Open.

 

Two years ago . . . in 2011AMY WINEHOUSE died of alcohol poisoning at the age of 27.

10 Year Flashback:  Catherine Zeta-Jones Will Play Brad Pitt’s Wife . . . and Flash-Forward to Today’s Perspective on “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”

 

Our Flashback section features a story we were talking about on The Complete Sheet 10 years ago to this day.  We’ve also added some modern perspective to give these stories some context today.

 

Flashback to 2003:  Catherine Zeta-Jones Will Play Brad Pitt’s Wife

 

 

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is now the leading candidate to play BRAD PITT’S wife in “Mr. And Mrs. Smith”. . . which is about a married couple who are both secretly assassins. . . and who end up being hired to kill EACH OTHER.

NICOLE KIDMAN was supposed to star in this one, but a scheduling change on “The Stepford Wives” knocked her out of the running.  If all goes as planned, filming will start in October.

 

 

Today’s Perspective . . . What If Catherine Zeta-Jones Had Gotten the Part?

It’s interesting how SURE we were that Catherine Zeta-Jones was getting the part . . . and how ANGELINA JOLIE wasn’t even on our radar.

What if Catherine Zeta-Jones had gotten the part?  Would Brad Pitt have stayed with JENNIFER ANISTON?  Who would’ve joined Angelina Jolie in adopting eight million kids?  Would Catherine Zeta-Jones have left MICHAEL DOUGLAS for Brad Pitt?

Our guesses are no, COLIN FARRELL, and probably.

 

 

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