Your daily dose of Whatever!!
Lindsay Lohan Admits She Wrote That Sex List
LINDSAY LOHAN has finally admitted that she wrote that epic list of her sexual conquests. She said, quote, “That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford. And someone, when I was moving during the OWN show, must have taken a photo of it. And so that’s a really personal thing and it’s really unfortunate . . . I talk about it on the last episode on the OWN show, so to be continued.”
Sexy Pictures of Famous People
1. People.com took some of its Most Beautiful People from the past and Photoshopped them so they’re hanging out with younger versions of themselves.
Some of the celebrities they did include Julia Roberts, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, Beyoncé, Halle Berry, Courteney Cox, Jennifer Aniston, Michelle Pfeiffer, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Drew Barrymore.
2. I don’t understand why we’re so impressed with KIM KARDASHIAN’S booty when we’ve got SERENA WILLIAMS packing THIS in her trunk.
3. Some ERIN ANDREWS cleavage? Why not.
4. ROSIE O’DONNELL Tweeted before-and-after pictures of her face, to show off her 50-pound weight loss.
5. (NC-17) Aaaand . . . HEIDI KLUM is topless again.
6. KATE MIDDLETON photobombed a kid’s selfie in New Zealand.
7. For some reason, IRELAND BALDWIN is modeling with Olympic moron RYAN LOCHTE.
It’s On! Between Seth Rogen and Nancy Grace
NANCY GRACE said pot was to blame for a Denver man shooting his wife in the head. That prompted SETH ROGEN to call her, quote, “[An effing] dumbass.” And she replied, quote, “Hi seth! thx for watching!”
Whoopi Goldberg Loves Pot . . . . For Her Glaucoma, Of Course
WHOOPI GOLDBERG is now a columnist for a website called The Cannabist. And yesterday, she published a love letter to her VAPE PEN. Of course, she’s not a recreational user. It’s all about the GLAUCOMA for her.
She says, quote, “The vape pen has changed my life. No, I’m not exaggerating. In fact, her name is Sippy. Yes, she’s a she. And yes, I named her Sippy because I take tiny, little sips . . . sassy sips, even . . . from her.
“And with each sip comes relief . . . from pressure, pain, stress, discomfort.”
Watch Justin Bieber Go All Kanye and Tell the Paparazzi Not to Talk to Him
JUSTIN BIEBER is trying the Kanye West thing, and telling the paparazzi to stop talking to him. He told one guy, quote, “I’m not about to answer any of your questions, man. You can keep filming, just don’t talk.” When the guy said he was just doing his job, Justin replied, quote, “It’s okay, just don’t talk.”
When the guy told Justin he was just doing his job, Justin replied, quote, “It’s okay, just don’t talk.” (Here’s video.)
Tracy Morgan Says He Once Passed Gas on Kate Upton
In an online chat, TRACY MORGAN was asked who was the most famous person he’s ever passed gas in front of that he’s definitely sure smelled it. He said it was KATE UPTON. He also revealed that his favorite food is the Big Mac and his favorite smell is “Ladies”.
Johnny Depp’s “Transcendence” is Up Against “Heaven is for Real” for Easter
Johnny Depp is assassinated to prevent him creating an artificial intelligence with human emotions. But his wife saves him by uploading his consciousness into a super computer . . . and the situation gets out of hand as he evolves into something more.
Rebecca Hall plays his wife, Paul Bettany is his best friend, and Kate Mara is a member of the radical anti-technology group trying to stop him. “Dark Knight” co-stars Morgan Freeman and Cillian Murphy are also in it.
Greg Kinnear and Kelly Reilly are the parents of a boy whose near death experience brings him back with memories of having been to Heaven . . . and meeting dead loved ones like the grandfather he never met, and his unborn sister who died in the womb.
Marlon Wayans is living with new girlfriend Jaime Pressly when the paranormal chaos starts happening. So he calls on Cedric the Entertainer’s Father Williams to help again. Chubby comedian Gabriel Iglesias is also in it as the next door neighbor.
John C. Reilly narrates the fifth DisneyNature film. They usually release these around this time of year to help celebrate Earth Day, which is on April 22nd. The other four were “Earth”, “Oceans”, “African Cats”, and “Chimpanzee”.
Upcoming Netflix, CD, DVD, Games, and Theatrical Releases
Theatrical Releases for Next Friday:
• “The Other Woman” . . . starring Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann and Kate Upton.
• “Brick Mansions” . . . Paul Walker’s final movie, before his partially complete “Fast 7″.
• “The Quiet Ones” . . . a horror movie starring Olivia Cooke from A&E’s “Bates Motel”.
New This Past Week on Netflix Instant Streaming:
• “A Fantastic Fear of Everything” . . . starring Simon Pegg.
• “A Farewell to Fools” . . . starring Gerard Depardieu.
DVDs for Tuesday:
• “The Suspect” . . . a racial experiment in a small town goes wrong for Mekhi Phifer.
• “Madea’s Neighbors from Hell” . . . a new stage play featuring Tyler Perry as Madea.
• “Barefoot” . . . a romantic comedy starring Scott Speedman and Evan Rachel-Wood.
• “A Farewell to Fools” . . . Gerard Depardieu plays a village idiot during World War II.
CDs for Tuesday:
• “Give ‘Em Hell”, Sebastian Bach
• “The Further Adventures Of …”, Joe Elliott’s side band Down N Outz
• “Ready Steady Go”, Drake Bell from Nickelodeon’s “Drake & Josh”
• “The New Classic”, Australian hip-hop minx Iggy Azalea
• “Honest”, rapper Future
• “Food”, Kelis
Weekend TV Reminders:
• Friday: “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” . . . from 8:00 to 8:30 P.M. on the CW. Comedian Gary Anthony Williams, who you may remember as cross-dressing Clarence on “Boston Legal”, guests along with retired sumo champion Byamba.
• Friday: The second season premiere of “The Writers Room” . . . from 9:00 to 9:30 P.M. on Sundance. Kerry Washington and the writers of “Scandal” are the guests.
• Saturday: The second season premiere of “Orphan Black” . . . from 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on BBC America.
• Saturday: The HBO premiere of Billy Crystal’s one-man Broadway show “700 Sundays”, which ended its Broadway run in January . . . from 9:00 to 11:00 P.M.
• Sunday: The series finale of “Lindsay” . . . from 9:00 to 11:00 P.M. on OWN. Lindsay Lohan reacts to the list of 36 guys she’s supposedly nailed . . . and she also introduces Miley Cyrus at New York’s Jingle Ball. (First Look)
• Sunday: “Game of Thrones” . . . from 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on HBO.
• Sunday: The TV movie “In My Dreams” . . . from 9:00 to 11:00 P.M. on ABC. Katharine McPhee and Mike Vogel from “Under the Dome” meet in their dreams after a coin toss into a fountain . . . and have seven days to find each other in the real world.
• Sunday: The “Salem” series premiere . . . from 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on WGN. Janet Montgomery is the town’s most powerful witch and Shane West from “Nikita” is John Alden, who doesn’t believe in magic and tries to stop the witch trials.
• Sunday: The second season premiere of “Devious Maids” . . . from 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on Lifetime.
Tonight’s Late Night Talk Shows:
• “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” – Justin Timberlake. (Repeat)
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” – Kenan Thompson, author Sarah Lewis, and figure skaters Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski. (Repeat)
• “Letterman” – Bryan Cranston, Melissa Rauch, and Le1f. (Repeat)
• “Jimmy Kimmel” – Tracy Morgan, Kate Mara, and Birds of Tokyo. (Repeat)
• “Carson Daly” – Jake Bugg, and “Transcendence” director Wally Pfister. (Repeat)
• “Arsenio” – George Lopez and 7-year-old “Trophy Wife” star Albert Tsai. (Repeat)
• “Craig Ferguson” – William Shatner and Jaime Pressly.
• “Chelsea Lately” – Nikolaj Coster-Waldau from “Game of Thrones”. (Repeat)
Five Random Facts For Friday
Here are a few random facts for you. E is the most common letter in English, and Q is the least common. Americans will spend a total of $2.26 billion on Easter candy this year. And it’s illegal to own only one guinea pig in Switzerland . . . they get lonely, so you have to own at least two.
1. E is the most common letter in English, followed by A, R, I, and O. And Q is the LEAST common, followed by J, Z, X, and V.
2. Americans will spend a total of $2.26 BILLION on Easter candy this year. That’s up 4% from last year.
3. There’s no difference between Slurpees and Icees. They’re both made by the Icee Company . . . 7-Eleven just has a licensing deal to call them Slurpees.
4. There are only two words that end in “gry” . . . angry and hungry.
5. It’s illegal to only own one guinea pig in Switzerland. Guinea pigs get lonely if they’re alone, so the law requires you to own at least two.
Over Half of Us Eat All Our Easter Candy in One Day . . . and the Top Four Easter Candies
Can you make your Easter candy last until Monday? A new survey found 37% of people eat ALL their Easter candy in one sitting. Another 15% finish it all before the end of Easter Sunday. And the most popular Easter candy is . . . chocolate bunnies.
1. Chocolate bunnies.
2. Jelly beans.
3. Cadbury eggs.
Families Only Make It 33 Minutes Into a Road Trip Before Arguing
A new survey found the average family only makes it 33 MINUTES into a road trip before the arguing starts. And one in six people say they’ve gotten into a car accident because their kids were arguing in the backseat.
You Turn Into Your Father At Age 38 . . . Check Out the 10 Signs It’s Happening
According to a new study, you start turning into your dad at age 38. The top signs are: Falling asleep in the living room . . . having a specific chair that’s only for you . . . your dancing becomes awkward . . . you spend more time in the shed . . . and you tell bad jokes.
Now Facebook Lets You Track Your Friends’ Exact Location
Facebook REALLY doesn’t want anyone to have any privacy. They just announced a new feature called “Nearby Friends” . . . where they use your friends’ cell phone GPS to show you EXACTLY where they are at any time. Fortunately, they made the feature OPT-IN . . . so your friends can only stalk you if you let them.
What’s Something You Can’t Believe Is Socially Acceptable Today?
1. Super aggressive paparazzi, along with all the tabloids and gossip magazines.
2. People openly and proudly discriminating against gays . . . especially politicians.
3. Talking on speakerphone in public.
4. Not responding to party invitations, to keep your options open.
5. Parents complaining about how a school punished their kid, when the kid did something bad and actually needed to be punished.
6. People having no remorse for obvious spelling mistakes and a lack of basic factual knowledge.
7. Child beauty pageants.
8. The amount of corporate money involved in politics.
9. Lawsuits over EVERYTHING.
10. And, of course, everyone texting during meals instead of talking to each other. (Reddit)
Science Just Found the First Species Where the Females Have Penises and Males Have Vaginas
Scientists just found the first evidence of a species where the FEMALES have penises and the males have vaginas, and it is . . . your relationship. HI-YO! Just kidding. You’re all man.
It’s an insect called Neotrogla that lives in dry caves in Brazil. The females impregnate the males with their tiny insect junk. And the sex lasts 40 to 70 hours.
The team who discovered how they reproduce says it’s the first case in nature where gender sex roles are reversed . . . and they say it opens up a whole new world of research into evolutionary biology. (LiveScience)
Your Period Temporarily Makes You Dumber?
Your period is a wonderful thing when you’re dealing with a pregnancy scare. In every other way, it’s a burden . . . and a new study found it might even be MORE of a burden than you realized.
A study out of the University of Bath in England found that when women are having menstrual pain, it temporarily makes them LESS INTELLIGENT and less accurate . . . and makes it tougher for them to do complex tasks. (University Herald)
Every Member of Congress Gets a Copy of “Hustler” Delivered Every Month
LARRY FLYNT decided to give every member of Congress a FREE SUBSCRIPTION to “Hustler” magazine back in 1983. And now, 31 years later, he’s STILL sending a copy of “Hustler” to all 535 of them . . . every month. It comes in a plain manila envelope, so that some staff member winds up opening it.
39% of Us Think We’ll Be Able to Teleport in the Next 50 Years . . . and Four More Predictions About the Future
According to a new survey, 19% of Americans think we’ll figure out how to control the weather in the next 50 years . . . 33% think we’ll be living on other planets . . . and 39% think we’ll be able to TELEPORT.
A Woman Jumped Out of a Moving Car To Get Away from a Lizard?
A guy in Florida was driving with his wife on Wednesday, when she saw a LIZARD had somehow gotten into their truck. And she reacted by . . . opening the door and JUMPING OUT while the car was moving. She ended up in the hospital, but there’s no word on how bad her injuries are.
Britt Robertson is 24. Angie McAlister on “Under the Dome”, and Cassie Blake on “The Secret Circle”.
Alia Shawkat is 25. Maeby on “Arrested Development”.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is 27. British model who jumped in for the third “Transformers” movie when Megan Fox’s hotness was no longer worth her insanity.
America Ferrera is 30. She WAS “Ugly Betty”.
Miguel Cabrera is 31. Detroit Tigers triple crown winning, MVP slugger who likes to drink. A LOT. He just signed a record-breaking new 10-year contract worth almost $300 MILLION.
Kourtney Kardashian is 35.
Melissa Joan Hart is 38. “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”.
Maria Bello is 47. Very attractive actress who was Dr. Anna Del Amico on “ER”. She has AWESOME marital relations . . . TWICE . . . with Viggo Mortensen in “A History of Violence”.
CONAN O’BRIEN is 51.
Eric McCormack is 51. Will on “Will & Grace”.
Jane Leeves is 53. She was Daphne on “Frasier”. Now she’s doing “Hot In Cleveland”, with Valerie Bertinelli, Wendie Malick and Betty White.
John James is 58. Jeff Colby on “Dynasty” AND “The Colbys”.
ERIC ROBERTS! is 58. Julia’s more-talented brother and THE star of “Sharktopus”! You’d also know him as the mob boss, Salvatore Maroni, in “The Dark Knight”.
Perhaps most importantly, he played Alex Grady in the 1989 martial arts classic, “Best of the Best” . . . where he uttered the now classic line, “Pop it, Tommy, Pop it! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!”
Rick Moranis is 61. “Strange Brew”, “Ghostbusters”, “Honey I Shrunk the Kids”, “Little Shop of Horrors”, “Spaceballs”, “Parenthood” AND Barney Rubble in “The Flintstones” movie.
James Woods is 67. Alleged to have an IQ of 180, yet prefers calling Arabs “diaper-heads”. Also, he used to nail Heather Graham.
Hayley Mills is 68. Classic Disney star of “The Parent Trap” and “Pollyanna”. She was also Miss Bliss during the brief middle school years of “Saved by the Bell” . . . when it took place in Indiana, not California, and was called “Good Morning, Miss Bliss”.
Countdown to Upcoming Events
• 2 days to Easter Sunday
• 5 days to Secretary’s Day
• 23 days to Mother’s Day
• 35 days to Memorial Day Weekend
• 58 days to Father’s Day
• 1,008 days left of “Hope and Change”
239 years ago . . . In 1775, PAUL REVERE began his famous ride from Charlestown to Lexington, Massachusetts, warning American colonists that the British were coming, the British were coming!
108 years ago . . . In 1906, the GREAT SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE struck at 5:13 A.M. It was estimated at 7.9 to 8.3 on the Richter scale and was followed by raging fires that took WEEKS to fully contain. About 700 people died and some 250,000 were left homeless.
91 years ago . . . In 1923, the first game was played at YANKEE STADIUM. The Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4-to-1. BABE RUTH hit the stadium’s first home run and two men were arrested for scalping: One tried to sell his $1.10 ticket for $1.25; the other wanted $1.50.
80 years ago . . . In 1934, the FIRST LAUNDROMAT opened, in Fort Worth, Texas.
59 years ago . . . In 1955, genius ALBERT EINSTEIN died in Princeton, New Jersey. He was 76.
48 years ago . . . In 1966, BILL RUSSELL was named the new coach of the Boston Celtics, making him the FIRST BLACK COACH in NBA history.
46 years ago . . . In 1968, LONDON BRIDGE was sold to an American by the name of Robert McCullough for $1,757,000. It was later disassembled and rebuilt in Lake Havasu, Arizona, where college kids enjoy it for SPRING BREAAAAAAK!
37 years ago . . . In 1977, author ALEX HALEY was awarded the PULITZER PRIZE for “Roots”.
35 years ago . . . In 1979, actor LEE MARVIN was ordered to pay his ex-girlfriend Michelle Triola $104,000 in the outcome of the FIRST PALIMONY LAWSUIT. (ATTICA!)
33 years ago . . . In 1981, TRAGEDY STRUCK when prog-rock superstars YES BROKE UP! They continue to be in a fluctuating state of breaking up and / or reforming in various lineups.
It’s all very confusing . . . kind of like those 11-minute songs with five different parts that are labeled in lowercase Roman numerals.
31 years ago . . . In 1983, the DISNEY CHANNEL began broadcasting.
30 years ago . . . In 1984, MICHAEL JACKSON underwent scalp surgery to repair the damage done after his JHERI CURLS CAUGHT FIRE during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. (This incident is now widely accepted as the cause of the drug addiction that ultimately led to Michael’s death. PEPSI KILLS!)
29 years ago . . . In 1985, WHAM’S “MAKE IT BIG” LP WAS RELEASED IN CHINA, MAKING IT THE FIRST WESTERN ALBUM RELEASED THERE!
24 years ago . . . In 1990, listen up perverts! The Supreme Court ruled that states may make it a CRIME TO POSSESS OR LOOK AT CHILD PORNOGRAPHY, even in one’s home.
20 years ago . . . In 1994, ROSEANNE filed for divorce from comedic genius TOM ARNOLD. She wisely withdrew her lawsuit a week later, and chubby genital-grinding briefly resumed.
By 1995, they DID divorce, and she then married Ben Thomas. Then, she broke HIS redneck heart in 2002 when THEY divorced.
19 years ago . . . In 1995, JOE MONTANA retired from professional football.
16 years ago . . . In 1998, DIAMOND RIO became the first band in 14 years inducted into the GRAND OLE OPRY.
12 years ago . . . In 2002, ROBERT BLAKE was arrested for the murder of his wife, BONNY LEE BAKLEY. He was acquitted in March of 2005, but owes Bakley’s family $30 MILLION, after being found liable for her death in a civil suit.
(I like DANNY BONADUCE’S brilliant take on the Robert Blake case: Not guilty . . . EVEN IF HE DID IT! Italians stick together, yo.)
Nine years ago . . . In 2005, PHYLLIS DILLER fell out of her bed onto her 87-year-old HEAD. She suffered neck fractures and underwent surgery to have pins inserted in her neck.
Eight years ago . . . In 2006, KATIE HOLMES gave birth to baby Suri in the same hospital that TOM CRUISE’S anti-depressants nemesis BROOKE SHIELDS gave birth to HER daughter, just a few hours earlier.
Two years ago . . . In 2012, “American Bandstand” legend DICK CLARK died of a massive heart attack, after having some kind of outpatient medical procedure the night before. America’s oldest teenager was 82 at the time of his death.