Your Valentine’s Day Whatever includes:
- V-day Facts and Figures
- Which Celeb says they’re broke
- Olympics, Olympics, OLYMPICS!!!
Olympic Medals . . . U.S. Skiers Made a Clean Sweep of the Men’s Slopestyle!
The U.S. SWEPT the men’s slopestyle skiing event yesterday, with Joss Christensen winning gold, Gus Kenworthy taking the silver, and Nicholas Goepper claiming the bronze. This is only our third sweep in Winter Olympic history.
Here are the standings as of the end of Thursday’s competition.
1. Germany with 7 Gold, 2 Silver, and 1 Bronze.
2. Canada with 4 Gold, 4 Silver, and 2 Bronze.
3. Norway with 4 Gold, 3 Silver, and 6 Bronze.
4. The Netherlands with 4 Gold, 3 Silver, and 5 Bronze.
5. The United States with 4 Gold, 2 Silver, and 6 Bronze.
(You’ll find the updated medal counts at Sochi2014.com.)
Four Olympic Randoms
1. There’s only one sport at the Winter Olympics that’s MEN ONLY, without a female equivalent. And it is . . . Nordic Combined. It’s a pretty cool half-endurance, half-extreme sport where you do both cross-country skiing and ski jumping.
In the Summer Olympics, there are NO events that men can participate in but women can’t . . . but there are TWO that are women only: Synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics. (Yahoo Sports)
2. It looks like the worst injury of the Olympics so far didn’t even happen to an athlete. Yesterday, a track worker got PLOWED OVER by a bobsled and had to be rushed to the hospital with two broken legs. (CBS News)
3. Figure skating is one of the most ELEGANT sports you’ll ever see. So we give big credit to photographers who were able to make it so HIDEOUS. Here’s a gallery of figure skaters in action making awful faces. (ABC News)
4. Yesterday, we definitely got the UGLIEST medal competition of the Olympics so far. In women’s 500-meter short track skating, three of the four finalists WIPED OUT . . . the gold medal winner was from China, because luckily she didn’t eat it.
It gets worse. The British skater who caused the crash ended up finishing third . . . but she wound up being disqualified. So the skater from South Korea who finished last got the bronze. (Deadspin) (You can see gifs of the chaos here.)
The U.S. Has Sucked Badly at Speed Skating These Olympics . . . Can We Blame What They’re Wearing?
In six speed skating events at these Olympics, no American has finished higher than SEVENTH. That’s a problem. And now, the scapegoat is . . . their SUITS. Under Armour designed special suits for the team, but sources are saying the design is flawed and causing too much air to get in.
Here’s U.S. Figure Skater Jason Brown . . . Plus Flatulence Sound Effects
Someone took footage of U.S. figure skater JASON BROWN. He’s the one with the infamous ponytail. And they added in sound effects so it sounds like he PASSING GAS during all of his tricks.
(Search for “Olympic Figure Farting.” The best section starts at :20.)
Michelle Duggar . . . The Lady With 19 Kids . . . Says Women Should Always Be Sexually Available to Their Husbands
MICHELLE DUGGAR from the TLC show “19 Kids and Counting” says one of the keys to a happy marriage is for the woman to open her legs for her husband whenever HE wants it. Even if SHE doesn’t. She says, quote, “You always need to be available when he calls.'”
After Colin Farrell Got Clean, He Was Afraid to Have Sober Sex
COLIN FARRELL says it was “terrifying” to have sober sex after he cleaned up his act in 2005 . . . quote, “It was in the afternoon. The windows and the curtains were open. It was lovely, and to be crass, it wasn’t [effing]. She was very gentle . . . I was just used to drunkenness and dark rooms and clubs and toilets and wherever.”
Sexy Pictures of Famous People
1. Was former Spice Girl MEL B partaking in some LESBIAN HIJINX with two other women on a yacht? It sure looked like it.
2. KENDALL JENNER showed her nipples during a fashion show. (WARNING!!! Nudity ahead.) Don’t worry, Kendall has been 18 since November.
3. “Sports Illustrated” has unveiled this year’s swimsuit issue cover. It’s three of the models, topless, flashing their butts.
4. It looks like OLIVIA MUNN is getting her loving from the new “Robocop” these days. She and JOEL KINNAMAN were cuddling at the Knicks game the other night.
5. Just in case you wanted or needed it, here’s a better look at TAYLOR SWIFT’S new hairstyle.
More Sexy Pictures of Famous People
6. Check out a gallery of celebrity weight loss transformations, including Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson and the undeniably sexy CHAZ BONO!
7. SOFIA VERGARA’S butt in yoga pants. And that’s all I have to say about that.
8. JOHNNY DEPP and AMBER HEARD kissed at the premiere of her new movie.
9. KATE MARA from “House of Cards” gets all sexy in the new “GQ”.
10. MELANIE GRIFFITH posted a great picture of herself with her two daughters, Dakota Johnson and Stella Banderas, and her mom TIPPI HEDREN.
Drake Is Whining Because “Rolling Stone” Bumped Him from the Cover . . . After Philip Seymour Hoffman Died
DRAKE threw a diva-like hissy-fit on Twitter this week, after “Rolling Stone” bumped him from their latest cover, so they could pay tribute to PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN. He said it, quote, “disgusted” him that they would do something “evil” like that. He also said he means no disrespect to Hoffman.
Sarah Silverman Claims She’s the “Poorest Famous Person in the World”
Just because you know who SARAH SILVERMAN is . . . doesn’t mean she’s rich. She says, quote, “I’ve had a couple good runs here and there, but there’s no consistent income . . . There’s just such a misconception about me. I always say that I’m the poorest famous person in the world, non-scandal.”
Mariah Carey’s Dogs Have Names Like Squeaky Beans, Jilly Beans, Pippity and The Reverend Pow Jackson
During an interview with MTV yesterday, MARIAH CAREY was talking about her dogs . . . whose names include: Muttley, Cha Cha, Squeaky Beans, Jilly Beans, Pippity and The Reverend Pow Jackson. She and NICK CANNON also acted out a scene from “Mean Girls”.
Ralph Waite from “NCIS” and “The Waltons” Has Died
RALPH WAITE . . . who played the dad on “The Waltons” . . . died yesterday at his home in Palm Desert, California. He was 85. We don’t have the official cause of death, but a friend said he had, quote, “a tired heart.” More recently, Waite had recurring roles on “NCIS”, “Days of Our Lives” and “Bones”.
“Robocop”, Kevin Hart’s “About Last Night” and Colin Farrell’s “Winter’s Tale”
Joel KinnaMan from AMC’s “The Killing” is your Robocop for this remake. He plays Alex Murphy, a cop who’s fatally wounded and brought back to life as a cyborg.
Michael Keaton is the CEO of OmniCorp, the company that builds him. Gary Oldman is the doctor who wipes Murphy’s memory, Abbie Cornish is Murphy’s wife, and Samuel L. Jackson plays a right-wing type TV presenter.
The 1987 original starred Peter Weller and Nancy Allen, and is actually considered a smart, gory, sci-fi classic. Even though the director went on to make “Showgirls”. It spawned two sequels, a 1994 TV series, and a TV mini-series that aired in 2000.
Kevin Hart and “Almost Human’s” Michael Ealy star in this romantic comedy about two couples who end up in VERY different relationships. Kevin is in a volatile relationship with Regina Hall while Michael is romancing Regina’s roommate, Joy Bryant.
Gabriella Wilde plays a rich girl who falls in love with the guy who takes her precious innocence, played Alex Pettyfer. You may remember Gabriella as Sue Snell in the “Carrie” remake. Bruce Greenwood plays her overprotective father.
Colin Farrell stars in this supernatural love story as a thief who falls in love with a dying heiress in the early 1900s. She’s played by Jessica Brown Findlay from “Downton Abbey” . . . and Russell Crowe plays a DEMON trying to thwart their eternal love.
Jennifer Connelly and Will Smith are also in it. She’s a journalist helping Farrell in modern day New York. And Will has an uncredited cameo as Russell Crowe’s boss.
In casting Will Smith, the director told “Variety“, quote, “I wanted the most charming man in the world to play the Devil. And he’s the most charming man in the world.”
5. And now, some limited releases you may or may not care about:
—“Adult World“ stars Emma Roberts as a college girl who graduates thinking she’s going to become the next great poet . . . but ends up working at a SEX SHOP instead. John Cusack is a poet she stalks in the hope that he’ll mentor her. (Trailer)
Tonight’s Late Night Talk Shows:
• “Letterman” – Michael Strahan and country singer Jennifer Nettles. (Repeat)
• “Jimmy Kimmel” – Zac Efron, Allison Brie, and Sarah Bareilles.
• “Arsenio” – Regina Hall (“About Last Night”) and comedian Dean Edwards.
• “Craig Ferguson” – Elizabeth Banks (“The LEGO Movie”) and comedian Chris Voth.
• “Chelsea Lately” – “3 Days to Kill” director McG. (Repeat)
Olympics Note: “Jimmy Fallon” and “Carson Daly” are pre-empted for Olympic coverage all week. Jimmy takes over on “The Tonight Show” on February 17th, and Seth Meyers starts “Late Night” on the 24th.
Seventeen Random Facts About Love, Relationships, Sex, and Valentine’s Day
1. 66% of people in relationships say things are PERFECT or ALMOST PERFECT. Only 3% think their relationship has serious problems.
2. 32% of moms say they haven’t had sex in YEARS. Another 36% say they haven’t had sex in several months.
3. The average dating or engaged couple spends $20 to $30 more on Valentine’s Day than married couples.
4. People DISCRIMINATE when it comes to hugs? 95.8% of women say they prefer hugging a man who’s taller . . . only 24.5% of men prefer hugging a woman who’s taller.
5. Half of men say men should hug each other . . . half say they shouldn’t.
6. The average amount a man spends on dates before a woman has sex with him is . . . $300. Which, ironically, is probably more than it’d cost to get a decent-looking escort.
7. 38% of Americans have dated a coworker. Of those people, about one in three ended up MARRYING the person . . . so, I guess two-thirds of them had to deal with horrible AWKWARDNESS.
8. When coworkers start getting-it-on, there’s a ONE in FIVE chance at least one of them is MARRIED.
9. We don’t think physical violence is EVER okay . . . but some people CLEARLY disagree. 10% of people think it’s okay to SLAP their partner for CHEATING . . . and just under 1% think it’s okay to slap their partner for constant NAGGING.
10. The world record for the longest kiss is 58 hours and 21 minutes. It was set by a couple in Thailand last Valentine’s Day.
11. The longest marriage in history was Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher of North Carolina. They got married on May 13th, 1924 and stayed married 86 years, nine months, and 16 days . . . until Herbert passed away in February of 2011.
12. Overall, 68% of Americans are in a committed relationship. 11% aren’t, but wish they were. 17% are single and not looking for a relationship.
13. According to Facebook, the top big cities with the highest percentage of single people are: Detroit, Los Angeles, New York, Miami, and Memphis. That’s right, Detroit is number one on a list and it’s NOT something negative.
14. Facebook also found the five cities where people are most likely to quickly get into relationships: Colorado Springs, Colorado . . . El Paso, Texas . . . Louisville, Kentucky . . . Fort Worth, Texas . . . and San Antonio, Texas.
15. About 7% of married people met each other through a social media site. And relationships that started on social media are actually more likely to SUCCEED than relationships that start any other way.
16. 41% of people say a person’s name doesn’t influence whether or not they’d date them. 31% say yes, a person’s name CAN affect whether or not they’d date them.
17. BERTHA was voted the least datable name for women . . . Gertrude came in second-worst. ADOLF was voted the least datable name for men . . . Elmo is second-worst.
Looking For a Sign You’re in Love Today? You Can Tell Based on the Gift You’re Expecting
Trying to figure out if you’re truly in LOVE this Valentine’s Day? Here’s an easy way to figure it out: What GIFT are you expecting? If you’re not expecting anything SPECIFIC, that means you’re in love . . . because your brain has shut off the part that’s selfishly seeking rewards, and you get a rush just from caring about the other person.
Must-See New Product: Practice Your Kissing on a Make-Out Pillow
There’s a new product for sale called the Make-Out Practice Pillow . . . and it’s just what it sounds like. A woman in Florida made pillows that have a realistic rubber NOSE and MOUTH sticking out, like the ones you’d find on CPR dummies. They sell for $30 online.
For the Second Straight Year, a Lawyer in Michigan Is Giving Away a Free Divorce For Valentine’s Day
Last year, an attorney in Southfield, Michigan named Walter Bentley held a Valentine’s Day contest . . . where he gave away a FREE post-Valentine’s DIVORCE to the person with the best break-up story.
He’s doing it again this year. Obviously, his motivation is publicity . . . and it’s working. But he also is trying to put a “generous” spin on it . . . quote, “I’m hearing stories about people that don’t have the money to get divorced.”
To enter, you have to be a Detroit resident and there can’t be any potential child custody issues. Last year he had 1,000 applicants. (Consumerist)
The Weather May Keep Florists From Being Able to Deliver All Their Flowers Today
If you forgot to buy flowers for Valentine’s Day, here’s a RELATIONSHIP-SAVING EXCUSE: The florist just couldn’t deliver them.
Yet another ONSLAUGHT of horrible weather looks like it’s going to keep florists from making all of their Valentine’s deliveries. Apparently, they’re having to rearrange some delivery dates . . . so some flowers could arrive days late. (CBS 3 – Philadelphia)
A Woman Gets Even with Her Ex-Boyfriend . . . By Slicing the Tattoo of His Name Off Her Arm and Mailing It to Him?
A 26-year-old in England recently got dumped by her boyfriend, even though she’d gotten a tattoo of his name on her arm about a year ago. So to get back at him, she CUT the tattoo OFF, and MAILED him the skin. She says doing it gave her closure, and her only regret is not being there to see his face when he got it.
. (Daily Mail)
A Guy Bought Every Other Seat at a Movie Theater on Valentine’s Day, So No Couples Can Sit Together?
There’s a man in Shanghai who got DUMPED by his girlfriend last year . . . so now he’s trying to ruin Valentine’s Day for OTHER people, too. He bought every other seat at a movie theater that’s showing a popular romantic movie called “Beijing Love Story”. The theater has assigned seating, and since he bought every other seat, couples can’t sit together.
Five Random Facts For Friday
1. Sylvester Stallone originally wanted to use Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” for “Rocky 3″. But when he couldn’t get the rights, he reached out to Survivor to write an original song. They came up with “Eye of the Tiger”.
2. Highlighters were originally yellow because they wouldn’t leave a shadow when a paper was Xeroxed.
3. Originally, Steven Spielberg was developing “Cape Fear” and Martin Scorsese was developing “Schindler’s List”. Neither of them were that into their own project, so they decided to trade movies.
4. Albert Einstein, Edgar Allan Poe, Jesse James, H.G. Wells, and Charles Darwin all married their first cousins.
5. Bananas contain about 450 milligrams of potassium . . . and of that potassium, about .01% of it is RADIOACTIVE. So if you managed to eat 150 trillion bananas in one sitting, you’d die from radiation poisoning. And also you’d explode.
Want a Cat That Looks Like a Werewolf? Someone’s Breeding Them
Apparently, some people are now breeding cats that look like WEREWOLVES. They’re called lykoi cats and they get their look from a genetic mutation. If you want one, be prepared to spend a LOT of money . . . they’re extremely rare. Although if you ask us, they don’t really look like werewolves.
What’s the Most Gloriously White Trash Thing You’ve Ever Done?
1. “I pulled a couch out to the driveway and just sat and watched the neighborhood. The good news is . . . I finally saw the neighborhood dwarf.”
2. “I forgot about my son’s birthday last year because it was on the same day as the Daytona 500.”
3. “I once ran out of clean plates and ate off a phone book.”
4. “One Christmas, all the women stayed inside making ham and side dishes . . . while the men went outside and roasted squirrels on sticks over a fire pit.”
5. “I rode in the bed of a pickup truck lined with couch cushions from Kentucky to Panama City Beach.”
6. “My Christmas lights are still up . . . and I don’t have any plans on getting them down anytime soon. I might just leave ’em up, but turned off, for good.” (Reddit)
A Nightclub Was Evacuated Because a Woman Mistook Pepper Spray for Deodorant, and Doused Herself
A 20-year-old woman was at a nightclub in Germany on Monday, grabbed her friend’s deodorant, and started dousing herself with it. But she’d accidentally grabbed her friend’s PEPPER SPRAY by mistake, and the entire club had to be evacuated. Police are still deciding whether or not to charge her with criminal negligence.
Freddie Highmore is 22. The little kid who was fantastic in “Finding Neverland”, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” AND “The Spiderwick Chronicles”. He’s also Norman Bates in A&E’s “Bates Motel“ series. Suck on THAT, Jonathan Lipnicki.
Drew Bledsoe is 42. Former New England Patriots quarterback who was injured and replaced by a young player named Tom Brady. He never got his job back after that. I have to believe Drew enjoyed this year’s AFC Championship.
Rob Thomas is 42. Matchbox Twenty singer.
Simon Pegg is 44. British comedian who plays Scotty in the new “Star Trek” movies, and starred in the movies “Shaun of the Dead”, “Hot Fuzz” and “The World’s End”.
Zach Galligan is 50. Shoplifter of Deep Purple CDs . . . and “Gremlins” superstar!
Enrico Colantoni is 51. Bald criminal mastermind Elias on “Person of Interest”, bald photographer Elliott on “Just Shoot Me”, bald Keith on “Veronica Mars”, AND the alien commander in the BRILLIANT “Star Trek” spoof, “Galaxy Quest”.
Porsche Lynn is 52. Mattress actress who’s starred in 353 fine films, including . . . “Young & Wrestling 2″, “Black Taboo 2″, “Load Warrior 2″, “My Bare Lady”, “21 Hump Street” AND “ENEMA BANDIT”!
Jim Kelly is 54. Former quarterback for the Buffalo Bills. Led his team to four consecutive Super Bowls . . . but lost every one of them.
Teller is 66. The smaller, mute half of the magic act, Penn & Teller.
PAT O’BRIEN IS 66! “LET’S JUST (EFFING) HAVE SEX AND FUN AND DRUGS AND GO CRAZY! HIRE A HOOKER. LET’S GET CRAZY AND GET SOME COKE!”
Carl Bernstein is 70. Journalist of Woodward and Bernstein fame who took down Nixon.
Michael Bloomberg is 72. Billionaire mayor of New York City.
Florence Henderson is 80. Carol Brady on “The Brady Bunch”.
Gregory Hines (1946 – 2003)
Jimmy Hoffa (1913 – 1975 . . . MAYBE)
Countdown to Upcoming Events
• Today is Valentine’s Day
• 3 days to Fallon’s “Tonight Show”
• 10 days until “The Voice” returns
• 16 days to the Oscars
• 23 days to Daylight Savings
• 1,071 days left of “Hope and Change”
90 years ago . . . in 1924 – The Computing-Tabulating-Recording Company was renamed the International Business Machines Corporation . . . IBM.
85 years ago . . . in 1929 – The ST. VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE went down. AL CAPONE’S hit-men . . . two of whom were dressed in police uniforms . . .
. . . walked into a Chicago garage owned by rival gang leader BUGS MORAN, lined up seven of his boys against a brick wall and gunned them down.
83 years ago . . . in 1931 – The horror classic “Dracula”, starring BELA LUGOSI, was released on Valentine’s Day . . . because in a twisted way, it can kind of be looked at as a love story.
56 years ago . . . in 1958 – CBS newsman WALTER CRONKITE reported that the Iranian government had BANNED ROCK & ROLL on the grounds that it was against the concepts of Islam . . . and also hazardous to one’s health!
Iranian doctors advised that the “EXTREME GYRATIONS” of rock and roll dances were injurious to the hips!
47 years ago . . . in 1967 – Cocolicious chubby ARETHA FRANKLIN recorded her signature song, “Respect”.
40 years ago . . . in 1974 – “Rolling Stone” magazine reported that DAVID BOWIE turned down a Gay Liberation group that had asked him to compose the WORLD’S FIRST GAY NATIONAL ANTHEM! (ADDICKA!)
39 years ago . . . in 1975 – A judge ruled that the theme song to “The Mickey Mouse Club” could NOT be used as the background music to an ORGY SCENE in “The Life & Times Of Xaviera Hollander”! (ATTICA!)
38 years ago . . . in 1976 – ELO’S “EVIL WOMAN” PEAKED AT #10 ON THE POP CHART.
37 years ago . . . in 1977 – The B-52’s gave their debut performance at a Valentine’s party in Athens, Georgia.
27 years ago . . . in 1987 – BON JOVI hit #1 with “Livin’ On A Prayer”.
26 years ago . . . in 1988 – America cried after Olympic speed skater DAN JANSEN had the worst day of his life. On the day of the race, his sister died of leukemia. It rattled him enough that he tripped on the first turn, spilling across the ice. He fell in the next race, too.
He folded again in 1992, but finally won a gold medal in 1994. Dan Jansen now makes $10,000 to $20,000 per appearance as a guest speaker. Have a nice day.