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The Top 5 Lies I’ve Told My Child

appropos / flickr
No one wants to believe at the beginning of their parenthood journey that they will ever lie to their child. I told myself that I will always be honest, up front and matter of fact about everything…but let’s face it, when you are in the heat of battle, you adapt like you’re MacGyver. Here are my top five lies:


nouQraz / flickr
nouQraz / flickr
5

The Park is CLOSED.

 
 

This is a selfish lie and can be broken down into several reasons why the park is closed. (I have used all of them). “The park is closed because there is a heat advisory today.” Which for me means it’s 90 degrees outside and there’s no way in hell I’m gonna swelter in the sun and sweat in the god-awful heat. However, if your child has really been a**hole that day, you can waive the lie and let them go ahead and slide down that metal slide that’s been baking in the sun all day. I’ve also used “The park closes at 5:00pm”, “The park is closed for maintenance”, and when it’s too damn cold out “The park doesn’t open until it reaches 65 degrees, honey.” Sure I like to have fun with my child, but unless you have the energy of Richard Simmons, there are times that you just don’t want to.

 
lamsongf / flickr
lamsongf / flickr
4

It’s not dead, it’s SLEEPING.

 
 

This is a warm, fuzzy lie used to shelter my kid from the realities of this dog-eat-dog world. Of course one day she will grasp the concept of the food chain, but for now, I’d like to avoid the hysterical sobbing and mourning for the death of a damn flea infested bird. When my cat showed up at the door with a bloody robin in his mouth and I heard the dreaded “Is it DEAD?!” I immediately replied, “He’s only hurt a little, and he’s going to take a nap until he feels well enough to fly.” (All the while crossing my fingers that she wouldn’t find it’s bloody carcass in the bushes later on.)

 
YouTube
YouTube
3

The cookies are all gone.

 
 

This is a lie told to preserve your sanity, and also applies to candy, ice-cream or whatever chock-full-o-sugar snacks your child knows you have hidden somewhere. If you have a kid, he or she WILL beg you to let them consume sugar…and on a day where your kid has already had five cupcakes at a birthday party, downed an insane amount of candy while your back is turned and then asked you for more - you say it’s "ALL GONE!" because if those little demons have already been running around the house like mice on crack, you should NOT be willing to risk finding out what they’ll be like if they have MORE sugar.

 
YouTube
YouTube
2

Mommy and Daddy are just playing a game.

 
 

If it hasn’t happened yet, it will. Even though your sexual encounters are reduced to about once a month after having kids, your child’s radar will pick up on that rare event, and bust your a** mid-fornication. “MOMMY, why are you sitting on daddy like that?!” Your first thought is, “Because daddy is lazy and if I want it done right I’ve gotta do the work myself!” But in reality, you blurt out “We were just playing a game!”, even though you know that sounds even more ridiculous. At this point you are just hoping this isn’t going to cost you some serious therapy bills!

 
moyerphotos / flickr
moyerphotos / flickr
1

Here comes the spanking patrol!

 
 

This is a generational lie that was handed down to me like the sweetest of heirlooms by my parents. Whenever we would go anywhere in public, before we even thought about acting up, my dad would point out the nearest security guard or ANY uniformed person and whisper, “You’d better be good, the spanking patrol is RIGHT THERE.” My sisters and I revered this mythological force with deep-seeded fear. Once I was old enough to realize it was bulls**t, I couldn’t WAIT to use it on my own child someday. Except of course, spanking your child can pretty much get you arrested nowadays, so I just go straight for the “If you act up, someone will call the police on us and they’ll take us BOTH to jail!”- bit. Yeah, it’s kinda mean, but have YOU ever dealt with an epic tantrum in public? You say what you can to avoid it.

 

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