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July 22 Cancer — Recoil Horoscopes

Technological advancements could soon jeopardize Cancer’s life. Don Corleone from The Godfather warned, “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer,” and the smartphone is definitely hermit Cancer’s best friend. Be prepared to smash your cell on a moment’s notice, just in case your ever-evolving “friend” starts acting like HAL, the homicidal co-piloting compadre from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Next: Read more satirical horoscopes from Recoil Magazine

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