I Learned Pretty Much Nothing From “The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story”

Last night, Lifetime aired what they were calling The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story. They made all of us SBTB fans believe that it would be filled with drugs, and sex scandals, and bad acting. What I watched, however, was just a bunch of teenagers fighting with each other, some implied sex, and finding out about how Screech became a teenage alcoholic. I'm disappointed in you, Lifetime. 

I was so excited for this movie. I had high hopes. And honestly it left me feeling a little "meh" about it in general.

In the first few minutes, I realized what I was in for.

But, like the true SBTB fan I am, I stuck with it. I wasn't particularly happy with the casting:

Or the narrator:

The music was good, so I thought it might have SOME promise:

But the script lacked... well... everything:

The kid playing Mario Lopez had true-to-character hair, and that was about it:

Everyone's favorite episode of the show was featured (much to my joy):

So were some questionable 90's fashion trends:

We learned about the beginning of all of Screech's problems:

And it inspired me:

The adults all made themselves seem really skeevy:

And then I realized that I was watching a show about high school kids when I was still in elementary school:

Look Lifetime, if you're going to get me all excited with behind the scenes tell-alls filled with scandal, then the least you can do is deliver. The most scandalous thing that you showed in the whole thing was Screech being blackmailed by that weird extra, Eric.

Throughout most of it, I just felt like I was channeling my inner Mr. Belding, and saying "Hey, hey, hey, hey! WHAT is going on here?!?" over and over again. Like in this video: