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Faking It – A Great Disservice

flickr, a4gpa

Nothing is more depressing to me than a terribly misguided person. While other people will look at them, or speak to them, and say “That person has great spirit! They’re inspiring. They obviously don’t care what other people think of them,” I tend to disagree. In fact, it’s obvious to me that two things are happening, or have already happened. One,this person is not inspiring or even confident. They are, for lack of better words, oblivious to their own suckdom. We all know one of these people. The friend who sings, and makes your eardrums bleed a little (perhaps from the pencils that you shoved in them out of pure desperation), but really thinks she’s doing a great job. If you’re anything like me, you don’t have the heart to tell them just how horrific they are when they say, “So, what did you think?”, you discreetly remove the pencils, paint on a big, fake smile, and say, “That was…umm…. that was… something!” which they take as meaning “That was great!” And they smile like a kid seeing a big, shiny, red ball and flounce off to ask someone else about their abortion of modern music.

This is where the second thing happens to occur. Someone, instead of putting a positive spin on their words, is going to tell a bold faced lie and say, “You did awesome!” I can’t believe you haven’t been signed to a record label!”

This person is doing the world a great disservice. Do not lie! It hurts baby Jesus and makes him cry. I’m also pretty sure that every time you do it, a puppy dies (think of the puppies!!!).
This second phenomena has been made most obvious to me in one area in particular: the bedroom. Girls, I can not stress this enough: do not fake it! No matter how horrible, no matter how much you want it to be over, if you fake it, he’ll think he’s doing something right. And then, the next one of us to be drunkenly coerced by the words, “I’ve never had any complaints” will have to suffer through the same awkward, virginesque, anti-climactic grope-and-poke fest. And when someone like me comes along, and tells him he sucked, he’ll think we’re a bitch, or there’s something wrong with us. Which, I think, is one of the reasons more of us don’t speak up. We don’t want to be viewed as bitchy. Or, as has happened to me a few times, you happen to be friends with this sexual slow-kid, and you don’t want to hurt his feelings. In fact, one man in particular, comes to mind. Now, turns out that this guy gets around (don’t worry, I’ve been tested), and apparently had an encounter with a friend of mine as well. As I was talking to her one day, we realized that both of us had, in fact, had the displeasure of sleeping with him. At the same time, we both asked “So, what did you think?” and at the same time we both answered, in a sheepish tone, “I faked it.”

Poor Larry* is wandering around this earth, thinking that he’s God’s gift to vaginas when he would actually probably have to try to suck in order to be worse. I just looked at her and shook my head in shame.

We have done Larry a great disservice. I’m sorry to the next girl he doesn’t pleasure.

*Names were changed to protect the inept

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